


Pinky Promise

by julemmaes



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Army, Childhood Sweethearts, Domestic Fluff, Elriel, F/F, F/M, Family, Family Fluff, Feylin, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friendship/Love, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Love, Nessian - Freeform, Whump, feysand
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:40:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 42,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26542315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/julemmaes/pseuds/julemmaes
Summary: Cassian and Nesta are highschool sweethearts. They've been together for more than five years now and their lives are about to begin. Nesta's graduation seems so close that she can't wait to finish college and finally be able to do everything she was forbidden to do in the last years of her life. Get a job at PSA, better known as the Prythian Space Agency, move in with Cassian in one of those perfect apartments in the suburbs, adopt a dog and spend the rest of her life with him.When her plans are completely screwed up by his, Nesta will be forced to face some of the most difficult moments of her life knowing that Cassian may not always be there by her side.
Relationships: Amren & Varian (ACoTaR), Elain Archeron & Azriel, Elain Archeron & Lucien Vanserra, Feyre Archeron & Rhysand, Feyre Archeron/Rhysand, Feyre Archeron/Tamlin, Nesta Archeron & Cassian, Nesta Archeron/Cassian
Comments: 55
Kudos: 90





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I’M SO FREAKING EXCITED FOR THIS. Yall have no idea, I’ve been working on this project for months and I’m honestly just so thrilled to be finally ready to share it with the world. I gotta warn you, there’ll be lot of angst and hurt and angst again and grief maybe and angst and loss and again angst, a little fluff and smut here and there. Did I mention angst tho? But don’t worry, the last chapter is just "here you gO TAKE THIS FUCKING FLUFFY THINGY I DON’T WANT IT THANKYOU."
> 
> Bitches I almost forgot, this is not centered on Morrigan/Mor so it won’t be a crossover crossover, but - it will. She’s with someone from the Throne Of Glass universe and I don’t wanna say too much, but I’ll write a tog fic that will go together with this one from a chronological point of view. I can’t explain myself for shit but I hope you got the point.
> 
> This is mainly Nessian, but considering it’s a multichapter fic it’ll have others couples too, obviously. Some might not be your favorites and the beginning of the fic is kinda tough for this reason, but I hope it’s worth waiting. + I don’t know if any of you read Crescent City, but if you did, expect this first part to be like the first hundred pages of the book, it’s just info-dump. I’ll leave you to the chapter now.

Nesta had just stepped outside the classroom when a cramp slightly more painful than the others made her hold her breath. She stopped in the middle of the hallway, apologizing to one of the girls who was attending the course with her when she bumped into Nesta, waiting for the pain to end and for her to continue walking without feeling as if her stomach were opening up from the inside. She took three deep breaths and walked towards the exit.

Cassian should have been out by now and if he wasn't there Nesta would have made him pay for it. He knew she had her period and he knew she hated waiting, so it would be wise of him to be on the street as soon as she reached the gates.

She huffed, rubbing her hand over her face, and squinted when she saw her boyfriend's green military Jeep parked just outside the university gardens. She lowered her head, clutching her jacket and protecting herself from the winter cold of Velaris. She speeded past when lightning struck the sky and found herself in the parking lot.

Azriel and Cassian were talking animatedly about something, probably sport, Nesta thought, seeing how they were both excited and by the gestures they made, but as soon as Cassian saw her, his face lit up and he smiled at her, interrupting whatever he was doing. He went up to her, "Hi sweetheart." He put his hands on her face and pulled her towards him, kissing her before Nesta could return the greeting. She closed her eyes, keeping her hands in her pocket but rejoicing at that touch. When Cassian broke away looking at her with that cocky smile on his face, Nesta had her eyes closed and her forehead wrinkled.

Cassian frowned, "What is it?" he asked her, taking the bag from her shoulder and turning towards the trunk. Normally she wouldn't let him take the bag, she could do it very well on her own, but she was too tired and sore to even bicker over these little things. Cassian must have noticed it too, because looking at Azriel on the other side of the car he made him understand that he wanted to talk to her for a moment. The older waved to Nesta and she barely had time to give him a small smile before he disappeared in the back of the car.

She looked up just in time to see Cassian approaching again as he wrapped her in his arms, holding her to his chest. This time she took her hands out of her pockets to hug him in turn. She heard him take a deep breath, "Rough day?" he murmured in her hair, where he left a kiss a few seconds later. Nesta nodded, muttering something in his chest. "Hmm," he said looking at her with distrustful eyes, "Can you hold on for a few more minutes before I take you home or?"

Nesta broke away, walking toward the passenger seat, Cassian had already got in and was starting the car when she sat down and her feet cried out in relief that she no longer had to stand. "Why? Do you have to pick up Rhysand?"

She heard Azriel snort, "When are you going to start calling him Rhys?"

Nesta turned just enough to show the determined expression on her face. "When those two stupid siblings of ours decide to cut the bullshit and get together."

" _Touché_."

Cassian turned left. "Yes, his car is at the mechanic's and with the bus strike he doesn't know how to come back." he answered her initial question. He glanced at her sideways when she yawned, resting her head on the window. "But if you're too tired I can drop you off and then go get him."

"Nono, don't worry. It's okay." Nesta murmured, remembering something else, "I should also stop by Elain's store to pick up some things, if you don't mind..." she grunted in pain when another cramp twisted her stomach. Azriel leaned forward between the two seats, "Are you alright?"

Cassian shook his head, "I'm taking you home. We'll stop by Ellie's, don't worry."

"I said it's okay, I can handle it." she gave him a withering look and when he put the blinker on to turn right, towards her apartment, she moved to remove it.

Cassian was about to retaliate and say that she shouldn't touch the steering wheel when he's driving, but Azriel interfered before they could start arguing.

"There's no problem, we can go to Elain's and take everything," he said in a calm and gentle tone. This only made Nesta angrier, who turned to Azriel with a murderous look. "I said I can handle it, stop treating me as if I were on the verge of death".

Her boyfriend puffed, changing gears. "You're not on the verge of death and I'm sure you could survive an extra hour or so, but don't you think going home and taking a hot shower and relaxing is better than having to stay out here in the cold with the three of us?" he gave her a sly smile when he saw Nesta stiffening up to the idea of a hot bath. "Think carefully before you answer."

Nesta whispered a "fine" under her breath and a few minutes later Cassian was approaching the Archeron apartment. She got out and took her things, before leaning into the car and leaving a peck on Cassian's lips.

Her boyfriend gave her a soft smile, before raising his hand and pulling up only his right pinky. Nesta shook her head chuckling, intertwining her pinky with his.

"See you in a little while, sweetheart." Nesta nodded, caressing his arm.

"Bye babe, bye Az." she couldn't stop herself before realizing they had company. She wasn't used to being so numb with pain and it never happened that she called Cassian babe in front of other people, much less their family.

Azriel's eyes opened wide. "Babe? That's new." he got out of the car to get into the front seat and Cassian punched him in the shoulder. "Fuck off Az- take care." he said finally turning to Nesta, before rushing to the elementary school where Rhysand worked.

Opening the door of the building she remembered something important. She cursed under her breath and rumbled in her purse looking for her cell phone as she entered the elevator. She quickly dialed Elain's number and only after two rings did her sister answer:

"Hey Nesta!" she seemed as happy as ever, "What's up?"

"Cassian and Azriel should come by to pick up the package that arrived yesterday, under no circumstances should Cassian see the sender so can you please tear out any evidence on the box?" she heard muffled noises and then Elain said goodbye to a customer. "Sorry to interrupt you while you're working, but it's really important."

"Uh, don't worry, it's pretty calm today." she said cheerfully. "Is it the book?"

Nesta nodded, opening the door to the apartment, realizing later that her sister couldn't see her, "Yes, it's the book and it would be better if he didn't shake the box too much, I have the feeling that that thing is twelve thousand years old and could disintegrate at any moment." Elain giggled.

"Sure, I'll erase every address and name, I've got this."

"Thank you."

They talked a little bit more about what they were going to do that night and after another five minutes on the phone Nesta was finally alone and at peace in the quiet of her room while taking off her skinny jeans and sweaty t-shirt and getting ready for a hot bath.

As soon as she was immersed in the water, with bubbles bursting around her ears and a glass of red wine in one hand, she started thinking about how she was going to ask Cassian to move in together.

They had met in high school, when her family had moved in after her mother's death. It had taken her months before she started talking to anyone at school and one day, because of something that had happened with Feyre, she arrived late and the only free seat had been next to Azriel. She liked him right away, he was quiet and never asked her anything, not even what her name was, but they exchanged that embarrassed smile between friends-not-friends when they met in the hallway. Cassian never really spoke to her either, but she knew that he was Azriel's friend and he usually joined them when they studied together during the breaks.

I wasn’t long before they all became great friends.

One day, during the second year, Azriel told her that there would be a party and that if she wanted she could come. Nesta had obviously refused.

With the economic condition they were in, it was already a lot if they could buy a new pair of shoes for Feyre every year, who was still growing up, and she certainly wouldn't know what to wear.

Azriel hadn't given up, however, and invited her to whatever party he went to, not as if they were dating, but as a friend would have done. Little by little they began to go out together. Relatively calm things: movies, dinners at the various fast food restaurants Velaris offered and sometimes they went for hikes in the mountains with Rhysand, who had just started high school. Most of the time Cassian would go with them, especially during the study sessions, but instead of studying he acted as a disturber and it took Nesta a long time before she realized how much she really liked that character.

How good he was inside and the things he would do for those he loved. He was to be admired, a boy so young, who had lost as much as she had, if not more, but who faced everyday life with that silly smile on his face.

During the middle of the fourth year, Azriel stood her up at the last minute because something had happened with Rhysand, and he had to run to help. Cassian, who was already with her that day, decided to stay, thinking Azriel was more than capable of helping Rhysand on his own, and invited her to eat something. Nothing serious, a dinner between friends. While they were about to pay, at the end of the evening, Nesta received a call from the hospital.

Her father had had a heart attack and died.

It had been Feyre who had found him coming back from an evening out with Elain, only 13 years old, as she had found their mother's body almost five years earlier. Nesta had panicked and the only thing that hadn't completely driven her insane that night was Cassian's presence.

He took her to the hospital and stayed with her every step of the way, every procedure, every signature and every document.

Both he and Azriel helped the sisters throughout the long custody trial of Elain and Feyre and they were there when Nesta became the legal tutor of the two minors when she turned 18. Even Rhysand, although he was only 16 at the time and couldn't help much, was very close to the Archeron family.

It was only after spending almost a year trying to find a way to continue living with the weight on her shoulders that she realized that without Cassian she would’ve never been able to get through something like this.

Nesta had started working immediately after the death of her father, continuing her studies anyway, and very often Cassian acted as her driver, taking her from one place to another. He also gifted her with many movie nights and occasionally went shopping for her and her sisters.

She knew he was doing this because he understood what it was like to not have enough food in the house to feed the rest of the family.

She had known for a long time that the boy was lost in her: she saw it in the way he looked at her, in the way he protected her every time Tomas passed by, knowing exactly what had happened during the third year, she knew it from the way he presented her to others, as a strong and independent woman, proud to be his friend. And yet, although they both knew about the strong feelings between the two of them, no one ever acted on it.

They danced in this limbo between friendship and love and when one day Cassian brought a girl home, Nesta exploded. For hours, they were at each other's throats, screaming things they didn't really mean, driven by anger towards the other but also towards themselves.

They got together immediately afterwards.

They did not need a trial period to see if it would ruin what they already had. It would never happen and they knew it too well. Nothing could've broken that bubble of theirs. Nothing.

They had been together for six years now and the only reason they still didn't live together was that Nesta didn't want to leave Feyre alone while she was still studying. She was going to let Feyre get her degree and find a steady job to support her before she moved out so that her little sister could focus on studying. But now it was only a few months away, and then they would both be free from college. Feyre would get her painting degree and Nesta would finish her master's degree in aerospace engineering, quit that stupid job as a salesgirl and find a job in one of Prythian Space Agency's research labs.

And above all, Nesta couldn't wait to finally go live with the love of her life.

***

Cassian had just parked in front of Rhysand's school when the sky split apart and the rain started coming down like it was the apocalypse day. He squeezed the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles turned white and leaned his head on the horn, making Azriel jump next to him. He closed his eyes sighing.

"You haven't told her yet, have you?" his brother whispered, as if he were almost afraid to ask.

Cassian laughed, but there was no trace of amusement in that sound. He turned his head toward Azriel just in time to see Rhysand swoop into the back seat, completely soaked from head to toe, with a shocked expression on his face.

Azriel waved and Rhysand sat down better, closing the door with force. "Hello beautiful," he said with his charmer act. "What have you got for me? How were your days?"

Azriel waited to answer, wanting to know first what Cassian was going to do with all the shit he was in. Rhysand must have realized what the atmosphere was because the smile died on his lips and he leaned forward, "What were you talking about before I arrived?" he asked with a hint of concern in his voice. Cassian looked over his shoulder and sighed again, this time more loudly.

"The bigass elephant in mine and Nesta's room."

"Uh-oh." said Rhys.

"Yeah, uh-oh."

"Haven't you told her yet?" asked the youngest.

Cassian shook his head, keeping his eyes fixed on the road and contracting his jaw, "We're still together, or not? So I'd say no, I haven't told her."

Azriel scratched his cheek, avoiding looking directly at him. "When are you going to do it?"

"I was thinking of doing it tonight, after dinner, but seeing that she's not doing so well, I guess I'll have to take a rain check." he turned into the street of Elain's store.

"Don't you think it's risky?" Azriel continued to ask. "I don't say the thing itself, but waiting so long to tell her. We all know Nesta, she’ll need a lot of time to accept it. You can't just drop the bomb and then run away."

In other circumstances, he would have laughed at that rough joke, but he wasn't in the mood at all. The fact that he would have left Nesta to enlist and probably go and drop bombs in war territories was not a prospect he particularly liked.

"I'll find a way to do it without breaking her heart and give her time to accept it, don't worry".

"Wait," Rhys stopped him. He turned off the car directly in front of the flower shop and saw Azriel turn toward the entrance with a lost smile on his lips. Cassian scoffed, shifting his gaze in front of him again.

_The Archeron sisters and their fucking perfect personalities._

"Are you going to break up with Nesta?" concluded Rhysand looking at him through the rearview mirror with a serious look.

Cassian turned around with a bewildered expression on his face, "God, no! What's wrong with you?" Azriel had also recovered from his short circuit called Elain and looked at the two brothers with his mouth slightly wide open.

Rhys raised his hands in defense, "Sorry, I misunderstood."

Cassian could hardly believe that Rhysand had thought such a thing. They remained silent watching the raindrops hit the glass when someone knocked hard on Azriel's window and all three of them jerked in fear. The figure outside the car moved and opened Rhysand's door as they got in.

“Hey guys.” Elain had a radiant smile on her face and seemed to be illuminated with her own light. Azriel had turned around so quickly on the seat that Cassian wondered how he hadn't broken his neck or pelvis. Rhysand leaned forward to give her a quick hug.

It didn't take Elain more than three seconds to realize that something was wrong, "Are you alright?" she asked worried, putting her hand on Azriel's seat. "You have such long faces," she said.

Rhys burst out laughing, "We're fine, don't worry."

Elain smiled at him, "Okay perfect, because Nesta and I have planned a pretty good night and _when_ , not _if_ , you get drunk I wouldn't want to have to comfort you because you're sad."

Cassian turned around at that point, with a lopsided smile, so that she wouldn't doubt their moods. "I like this idea."

"Good." said Elain with a smile on her face. She pointed to the store behind her and gestured with one hand, "I could use a strong pair of arms to take out some boxes for Feyre and Nesta and some vases. They're not big, but they weigh more than me and it's pouring down, I wouldn't want to trip and die because of the cyclamens."

Before anyone else could answer Azriel was already outside the car and inside the store.

Cassian and Rhysand laughed as Elain blushed. She got out of the car following their brother.

"Holy moly, those two are crushing so bad," whispered Rhys as he looked toward the entrance.

Cassian opened his eyes wide, bursting out laughing. The younger brother turned to him, confused. "What are you laughing at?

"Nothing at all.” Cassian ran his hand over his eyes, actually smiling, "I'm just thinking about how stupid you and Az are."

Rhys looked at him badly in the mirror, "We're not stupid." then he crossed his arms over his chest, leaning against the seat and looking up. "You know very well why neither of us has been able to take a step forward yet," he paused briefly, "At least I, am not going to do anything until she decides to leave Tamlin willingly."

Cassian nodded with a serious expression this time, knowing exactly how the conversation would continue if he answered verbally. They talked about Feyre so often, about her relationship with Tamlin, that Cassian seemed to have learned a script to recite every time.

He looked out the window, watching Azriel laughing with Elain. Probably the brother in the worst situation was him.

Elain and Lucien had been together forever. Cassian had met little Ellie when she was still only 14 years old and they had been together for a year already. It was a special relationship, theirs.

When they had started the second year of high school they had decided to break up after almost four years, considering it the best thing to do. After all, theirs was what you might call a childish love. They had been apart for a few months, but when the girls' father had died, Lucien and Tamlin had been very supportive of the younger sisters. More than everyone in their group liked to admit.

Cassian and Azriel had already met all three sisters when the misfortune happened and it didn't take Rhysand long to build a solid relationship with both of the younger two.

When Elain announced that they were back together, Azriel realized that it affected him far more than necessary. By now he had been stuck in his role as the world's “bestest” friend - as Elain liked to call him - for seven years.

He had had other girlfriends over time, but never anything serious and none of them had ever managed to make him really fall in love. It was also very complicated to describe the kind of relationship those two had. Lucien was always ready to pull him into the middle of their quarrels and Elain systematically went to Azriel crying, telling him that Lucien did not understand that their relationship was much more like that of two siblings.

The first time Azriel had spoken to Cassian about it, almost two years after Mr. Archeron's death, he had burst out laughing. His brother had remained silent for years in the friendzone while Cassian lived his best life with Nesta.

When it came to Rhysand and Feyre it was a whole different story.

When they met, Feyre was already very close to Tamlin. Hanging out only with her older sister and her boyfriend, it seemed natural that she and Tamlin would end up together, but Rhysand was still shocked when one day she came home, during her fourth year of high school, followed by him, and reintroduced him to everyone as her boyfriend.

The thing that no one could understand was how they could still be together after all these years.

Cassian knew from Nesta and Rhysand that the first years of their relationship were all peaches and cream. They seemed like the perfect couple. Tamlin's family had also helped Feyre with her college tuition, getting her into the Academy of Fine Arts supervised by one of his father's many friends.

They had been together for five years now and the only thing everyone was sure of was that when an Archeron sister gave her heart to someone, she would never ask for it back.

Cassian knew how much the overall situation weighed on both his brothers, but you can't control your heart and he couldn't advise anything else but to wait.

Azriel got back in the car alone and when Cassian turned to him to ask him where Elain was, he seemed upset.

"Everything alright?" he asked cautiously.

"I'm not going to talk about it."

Cassian exchanged a confused look with Rhysand through the mirror and when Elain got into the car looking just as upset, they fell silent.

Cassian sighed and held the steering wheel tighter. _The evening was going to be interesting._

The ringing of a phone echoed in the cockpit.

"Mor and Amren are already at Nesta's -" said Rhys, "it seems they've already opened the wine."

Elain snorted, looking out the window with a severe glare. "Good, because we're going to need a lot of it tonight."

"A lot." Azriel repeated gritting his teeth, frowning even more.

_Definitely interesting._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The calm before the storm I guess, enjoy!

Rhysand had to stop by his house for a short break to change and take off that uncomfortable shirt he was always complaining about. Cassian had tried to tell him several times that being an elementary school teacher he could dress as he wanted and no one would ever tell him anything, but the youngest of the brothers didn't seem to get the message.

While they were waiting for him, Cassian had tried to start a conversation with the other two, but both had answered monosyllables and he had enough problems of his own without getting involved in whatever had happened between Elain and Azriel.

Despite all this, when they got to the Archeron house, the older had a lopsided smile on his face. The smile widened even more when they entered the apartment and saw his cousin gobbling a cracker with some cheese on it. Morrigan got up in a flash and went to greet them.

"Took you long enough." said the blonde, "We were waiting for you."

Cassian snorted, taking off his shoes and jacket so as not to wet every surface of the house, "I can tell."

"Don't be an asshole." he heard from the kitchen, Amren. She was also sitting at the kitchen table, where Nesta was chopping parsley and eating strangely long, fried things.

His girlfriend looked up at him and smiled. She had to be feeling better because she had a much more relaxed expression on her face than only an hour or so before.

He approached the table, followed by Rhys who was staring with a confused look at whatever that strange food was in front of their friend.

"What the hell is that?" Azriel asked once he had freed himself from Mor's hug.

Amren arched an eyebrow, taking another fried thing and eating it whole, "Frog legs."

Cassian, who was about to kiss Nesta, stopped, looking at her in shock, "Sorry, what?"

"Yeah, a new French restaurant opened on my street and I've been getting the weirdest stuff for a couple of weeks," said Amren smiling. "I even tasted the snails last Monday." the guys all seemed shocked.

Nesta made a confused grimace, "Actually they're not as bad as you'd think, they taste a lot like chicken."

"I'm not sure I want to kiss you anymore," murmured Cassian as he walked away slightly from the girl. Rhysand nodded beside him, pouring himself a glass of wine and passing one to Azriel.

"Oh, stop being a baby, it's just food." Amren muttered, casting a hard look at him.

He kissed Nesta on the cheek anyway while she finished cutting the onions and poured everything into a pot. The smell of meat that came out was enough to make Cassian fall in love a little more.

"I'm gonna go change," announced Elain, who had been particularly quiet the whole time.

Nesta lifted her head, looking in her sister's direction, who was already in the hallway, "Did you get my stuff?" she asked loudly.

Elain's reply didn't take long to come, "Yes, I'll bring it to your room."

Nesta shook her head, even though she couldn't see her, "No don't worry, I'll take care of it, just leave it in your room." a faint _okay_ came from the other room and then the conversation resumed.

"One very important thing before I forget, next week Manon should come here," said Mor, clutching her shoulders, "I'd like to arrange a little something at my house, with everyone. If that's alright with you," she hesitantly concluded.

Mor and Manon had met that summer when the former went on vacation to the other continent alone. She'd stayed in Erilea for almost two whole months, going from city to city and stopping only when she deemed it necessary. Once she reached Orynth she immediately made friends with a large group of people there and when they introduced her to Manon it was hate at first sight.

More than hate, actually, Morrigan felt awkward.

Manon stared at her with that seductive look of hers that she couldn't really decipher and only when the other one had explicitly told her that hes was flirting with her, Mor understood that she could enjoy that vacation and have a summer fling with the white-haired goddess. One thing led to another and they ended up getting together at the end of August and after only a month of relationship no one had had the chance to meet her yet.

"Finally we get to know her." smiled Amren.

Cassian took a beer from the fridge and put two more on the table in case someone else wanted more than wine. "Where did you say she studies?" she asked for what was probably the millionth time.

"Oh, she attends the Academy of Fine Arts in Adarlan. Rifthold precisely." said proud Mor, smiling.

"Does she study art like Feyre?" Rhysand asked, taking another cracker and putting a slice of salami on it. Cassian saw Nesta shake her head in disbelief and had to hold back a laugh. It was impressive how he managed to squeeze Feyre into his every conversation.

Mor didn't give it much thought anyway, "Nono, she dances. She studies ballet. She has a- I always forget what they are called, but she has a group, with whom she always dances. They call themselves the Thirteen," she continued nodding, "They also have a channel on You Tube, if you're interested."

Elain walked into the kitchen at that moment, wearing only a pair of pajama pants and a VHS lacrosse team sweatshirt, with the name Vanserra on its back. She took a beer from the table, opened it and drained half of it in one long sip. She made a disgusted face and then took one of the fried frog's legs off Amren's plate, who was looking at her alarmed.

Nesta gave him a confused look, mentally asking him what had happened on the way here, Cassian shrugged.

"Hey Ellie everything's alright?" asked the older sister, turning off the stove.

Elain nodded, helping her set the table while everyone took their seat. "Everything's perfect."

Azriel laughed, not even looking at the girl, "As always." Elain's head snapped in his direction.

Elain gritted her teeth, "Maybe you should learn to mind your own business."

"And you should learn what self love is and stop letting others treat you like that," Azriel said to her in an equally harsh tone.

Cassian understood then, Lucien was involved.

Nesta sighed, placing both hands on the table and bowing her head, "Can we please have one dinner without arguing?" Elain sat down with abrupt gestures and nodded, apologizing. Azriel seemed to think about it for a second, looking at the middle sister, nodding in turn and sitting next to Rhysand.

They ate quietly between jokes, and the tense atmosphere that had created immediately dissolved. Elain and Azriel bickered so often that the group was used to it and they'd become good at pretending nothing had happened.

***

Nesta was sitting on the floor next to Cassian, practically lying on top of him, while he kept his arm around her waist. Whatever Morrigan was explaining she couldn't understand. Her brain was already clouded by alcohol. They had just finished the first game of the evening and she couldn't figure out how they were all still relatively sober after all the alcohol they had ingested. Or maybe it was just her impression and in reality they were all wasted.

She looked up at her boyfriend and put her hand on his cheek, making him turn towards her. Cassian smiled at her and gave her a peck. When she kept looking him in the eyes even after they had parted, he raised an eyebrow. _What is it?_

Nesta shrugged and kept following Mor's speech.

"And who draws the last king drinks the whole cup, got it?" the blonde looked around the room trying to figure out if everyone understood at least one word of what she had just said. Nesta took a sip from her glass and Mor groaned, "Come on Nesta, you don't have to drink now."

Azriel chuckled, almost as drunk as she was, "Stupid drunk."

"Fuck you, Az." she giggled, clinging closer to Cassian.

Elain nodded, raising her drink to the ceiling, "Yes, fuck you Az." she hiccupped and smiled in her best friend's direction, who gave her the middle finger. They all burst out laughing, knowing perfectly well that there was no grudge in those gestures.

She couldn't follow the game properly, but someone had just drawn a seven and Nesta knew that she had to raise her arms to the sky before the others or she would have to drink again, and although this evening was putting her in a good mood, she wasn't sure that her head would thank her in the morning. Elain ended up drinking.

When it was her turn, Nesta drew a nine and thanked every god present in that moment because if she had to find a rhyme for anything the others would say, she would surely throw up from the effort.

"I picked a nine," she said giggling, falling on Cassian, who laughed and helped her up, "and since I'm feeling rather nice tonight, I'll say orange," she slurred.

"You don't play like that," said Amren annoyed beside her, taking a sip from her soft drink. It was her turn to take everyone home that night.

Mor nodded, agreeing with the girl, "You can't take the one word that doesn't rhyme with anything."

Rhysand cleared his voice, "Sporange." he said at the same time that Elain screamed the same word. The boy brought his hand to his chest, opening his mouth wide, "I said it first."

Elain shook her head, pulling herself up and bending her legs underneath her, "No. That's not true." she said snickering, "I said it first."

Cassian burst out laughing, making Nesta's back flutter. She looked at him and winked, nothing sexy in that gesture at all and it only made the boy laugh more.

"Azriel tell him that I said it first." the girl complained, pouting. "Cassian tell him too."

"Nah ha, you have your family, they're with me." said Rhysand, getting up and staggering until he was between his two brothers. He circled both their shoulders and slapped Nesta in the face unintentionally.

"Ouch." she mumbled, pulling herself up and rubbing her nose.

Elain seemed on the verge of tears, "It's not right. I was faster than you." she practically screamed, "And I only have one sister here, it isn't fair."

Rhysand shrugged, "That's not my problem."

Their little argument went on for a few minutes before the boy surrendered and admitted that she was the one who said the word first, "But only because you don't have enough sisters for backup, otherwise we'd solve it physically," he concluded, winking at her. Elain giggled and Azriel muttered something about the physical part of the hypothetical fight that made Cassian laugh.

They all turned towards the entry of the apartment when they heard the door open.

"Speak of the devil," said Mor with a smile, "Feyruuh! Join us."

Rhysand had stood up and was smiling like an idiot, "Yes Fey-Fey join us," he repeated, approaching the small threshold.

Nesta saw the boy stiffening and immediately realized that something was wrong. She closed her eyes and sighed.

"Feyre," breathed Rhysand, "what happened?

From where she was sitting she couldn't see the hall, but even Amren, who had a perfect view of the whole room, had a hard look on her face. Perhaps she should have stood up.

The alcohol in her body did not allow her to stand up without the risk of falling. It was already much that she hadn't blacked out.

"Nothing, don't worry," said her sister, finally entering the room. Nesta could see her face and understood what Rhysand was referring to. Her eyes were swollen and bloodshot. She had been crying.

"Feyre..." she said, trying to pull herself up with Cassian's help.

Her younger sister raised her hand to stop her, "I didn't want to ruin your evening, I just came to say hi." she gave everyone a faint smile. Rhysand, next to her, held his breath. He suddenly seemed much more sober, more aware of what was happening. "I'm sorry... goodnight everyone." with this she turned around and walked out of the room. Mor moved to get up, but Amren placed her hand on her leg to stop her.

Elain was the first to break the silence, "That piece of shit." Nesta gasped hearing how much anger she uttered those words with. She turned towards her sister and before she could ask her, she had already started talking again, "I can't believe it." she stood up, swaying too much and falling on her knees.

Mor was immediately beside her, "Be careful."

"It's alright." she ran her hand over her legs and then looked towards Feyre's room sighing.

"Can someone explain what the heck just happened and why no one is going to see how she's doing?" asked Amren slightly annoyed. Rhysand was out of the living room before she could finish the sentence.

They all turned to Elain, who seemed to be thinking about what to say.

"I'm too drunk for this," whispered Nesta, massaging her temples, "Ellie can you please tell me if this is a life-or-death issue?" she asked again. She felt a hand on the small of her back and turned to Cassian, who looked at her with a sad smile on his lips.

Elain laughed without amusement, "No, of course she's not dying, it's always the same old arguments with Tamlin. She should just break up with him," replied Elain surprising everyone. It was very rare that her sister said something so sincere when it came to Tamlin. The only times she had done so she had risked ruining her relationship with Lucien.

"I don't think I should tell you the details, it's her business and I'm not here to gossip," said Elain after a few minutes in which everyone had started to clean up the mess they'd made, "All you need to know is that Tamlin is a piece of shit," she whispered the last part, as if she was afraid her boyfriend might hear her.

"Nothing new." Amren said, getting up and starting to pick up the cups scattered around the room.

They heard Feyre yelling something, but Nesta couldn't understand just what she said. They waited a few seconds, to see if they needed to intervene or not, when they heard nothing more Azriel spoke.

"Do you think we should tell her something?" he asked again, still sitting on the floor, tilting his head back so that it was resting on the couch. "I mean, it's already been a few weeks since I've seen her cheerful, I'm getting worried."

Nesta was surprised. It was nice to see how much Azriel cared for the youngest of them. Of course, she knew it was true, but it was rare for the boy to express his feelings so openly.

Cassian shook his head, reducing his lips to a thin line, "Not tonight," he said as he looked down the hall, "She's probably insulting Rhys in every possible way now. I guess it's a good way to cool off," he added when they heard Feyre screaming again. Rhysand answered equally loudly.

"Maybe we should get Rhys out, he is drunk after all," Azriel said standing up. Nesta did the same, following him into the corridor.

"They know that Rhys would never lay a hand on Feyre, don't they? Even if he is drunk. And angry." whispered Elain, even though they all heard very well. Nesta giggled and Azriel shook his head smiling. _She was so drunk_.

Cassian answered her, "No Ellie, it's not that. It's that drunk people tend to say things they don't really mean." they heard a whisper of agreement.

Azriel was about to knock on the door, Nesta right behind him, when it opened wide and Rhysand rushed out, shoving his older brother aside. Nesta couldn't see his face, but he must have been pretty upset because Azriel followed him right out of the apartment.

Nesta blinked a couple of times and then turned to her sister, who was pacing back and forth with her hands in her hair.

"Fuck!" cried Feyre. Nesta entered the room, closing the door behind her.

Feyre looked at her and grimaced, "What? Did you also come to tell me how to live?"

Nesta shook her head, crossing her arms, "I gotta be honest with you, I'm really drunk right now, so I'm struggling a little bit to understand things, but if you want to talk to me, I'm always there. You know." she said to her, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Yes, yes. I know." Feyre murmured, "But right now I just want to sleep and be alone."

Nesta glanced at her and saw that she had mascara smeared on her cheeks. She had cried again.

They could not face this conversation now.

She sighed, "Alright, if you need anything call me, I'm sleeping at Cass's, but if you need anything I can be here in twenty minutes." she cautioned her as she got up. Before leaving, she turned to her sister and left a kiss on her forehead. "Don't worry, everything will work out. I'll be back for lunch, okay?"

Feyre frowned, "Why do you always treat me like a child?" she suddenly asked her.

Nesta was caught off guard, "What do you mean?"

" _I'll be back for lunch. I can be here in twenty minutes_ ," she said imitating her voice, "I don't need you to tell me your schedule, I can cook pasta, I can take care of myself." she pointed out, looking Nesta straight in the eye.

"I don't- Feyre, I was just letting you know that I'll eat at home, I wasn't implying anything. We live together, it seems normal to me to tell you about my movements," she replied, being defensive, "I didn't call you a child."

"Get out."

"Feyre-"

"I said get out." sobbed the sister, "Please."

Nesta tried to get closer when she saw that Feyre was crying again.

"Go away!" cried the other one. Nesta stiffened and nodded just once, saying goodnight and leaving the room.

Cassian was staring at her from down the hall with a worried look. Throwing a quick glance inside Elain's room, she saw that Amren and Mor were helping her change and would put her to bed before leaving, as often happened during these evenings.

She reached her boyfriend and when he hugged her, she let out a deep sigh, resting her head against Cassian's chest. "I'm sorry," he said, kissing her hair and holding her tight.

"Don't worry, we both know she's not mad at us. She better than anyone else." she looked up to him. Cassian moved a strand of hair from her eyes, placing it behind one ear. "Maybe we made a mistake, though, letting Rhysand talk to her."

Cassian chuckled, "Maybe." He leaned over her and brushed his lips against hers.

Nesta yawned in the kiss and they both laughed.

"Okay lovebirds, it's time to go home," announced Amren, putting on her shoes and helping Mor tie hers. The blonde was also in terrible condition.

Cassian broke the hug, but followed Nesta to her room while she changed and took things so she could change the next day, and then followed her to the bathroom, where she took extra tampons in case the ones at his house had finished. She strongly doubted it, as Cassian always worried about having an endless supply every time, but it was better to prevent.

"You're such a lost puppy." Mor laughed, looking at them, "Disgusting."

"You're just jealous cause you can't be with Manon every day," replied Azriel, walking back into the house at the right time, followed by a quiet Rhysand.

Mor poutted in a way that would make a three-year-old child look a saint and her eyes filled with tears. Amren threw her arms in the air, "Was that really necessary?" she asked exasperated, turning to Azriel, who apologized to her friend.

They all left the house, leaving the kitchen and living room relatively tidy, nothing an hungover Elain couldn't handle.

When they reached Morrigan's house, only Azriel and Amren went to escort the blonde home and make sure she went to bed.

Nesta took the opportunity to say a few words to Rhysand.

"It's not your fault if she reacted in that way," she said, placing her hand on his arm. God, the drunk Nesta was so affectionate. Rhysand looked at her with a wrinkled forehead.

"I know." he sighed, running a hand over his face and looking older than he actually was, "I just wish she understood how much she's worth. That Tamlin doesn't deserve her." he looked out the window, waiting to see the other two appear so he could get home as soon as possible and pass out in bed. "There may have been a moment in their relationship where things worked, but now it's getting too much."

"I agree." Nesta simply said. Rhysand didn't need her to comfort him, no. He needed Feyre to realize how much the situation she was in no longer benefited anyone.

***

Cassian slipped into bed next to Nesta and laid his arm around her waist, pushing her flat against him. She immediately relaxed and intertwined their fingers, carrying his hand on her belly. Cassian started massaging circles on her stomach, applying a little more pressure at the bottom to help her with the pain.

"Better?" he asked her, placing his head in the niche of her neck.

Nesta nodded, "Much better."

They spent a few minutes in silence like this. If he managed to tell her that he wanted to enlist, if he managed to confess to her his plans for the future and she accepted him, there would no longer be so many times when he would cuddle her. They would no longer be granted.

When Cassian was on the brink of falling asleep, with a thousand questions in his head, she asked him something.

"Hmm?"

"Tomorrow, you wanna go out for dinner with me?" she repeated, turning around so she faced him.

Cassian opened only one eye, "Like a date?" he asked, smiling tiredly.

"Sure, like a date." she answered him, tilting her chin up so that she could kiss him.

"Yes, I'll go out for dinner with you," he said returning the kiss.

"Perfect."

"I love you." he whispered to her, hugging her.

Nesta did not answer and Cassian fell asleep shortly after, dreaming of the day when he would make Nesta his wife.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment and let me know what you think;)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao good luck with this one, the game is about to begin

"Could this fit?" Amren asked, showing her an all-black sheath dress with a delicate slit on the thigh. Nesta grimaced and shook her head. Amren puffed and continued to look through the clothes for something suitable for her dinner with Cassian.

Amren had texted her in the middle of the morning and she could never refuse. They had gone out for lunch, between classes, so they could do some shopping while catching up on their lives. Amren worked as a photographer for one of the biggest and best known nonprofit organizations in the country and it was more than rare that they managed to see each other.

When she got out of high school and started working as a freelance photographer, Nesta had been a little hesitant. She had always liked Amren's pictures and thought that her friend had a unique talent, but she was not experienced in the field and was worried that she would never make it in such an unstable profession. And then one day Amren showed up at her house and announced to everyone that she had won a competition to be part of an exploration team that would leave a few months later for the Arctic. She had been away for months, but when she came back she had brought someone with her and the beginning of a career that would make her famous all over the continent for her shots.

Amren and Varian had been together for three years now and had traveled the world, both working for the same channel.

Every time Cassian or Rhysand pointed out to her that she had no more places to visit she stared at the void smiling, always repeating the same thing: "I haven't even started yet."

For now, however, she would stay a couple of weeks in Velaris, while Varian visited his family in Adriata and afterwards they would leave for Lunathion. Amren never failed to remember that this was a huge project, which would allow her to break through to other countries and perhaps find a more important position.

Nesta showed an orange dress with many fringes and a lot of tulle to Amren, who burst out laughing and crossed her arms to make a cross. Nesta snorted and continued her search.

"Yesterday, while I was on a call with Varian, his mother appeared," the friend suddenly said. Nesta turned towards her. Amren imitated her, with a grim face, "She started talking about marriage."

"She did what?" Nesta asked, laughing at the evident panic of her friend.

Amren frowned, "Don't be a bitch, you know how I feel about marriage."

Nesta nodded, continuing to sift through the various dresses. Amren had never been prone to marriage. Growing up in a family with divorced parents who argued every three seconds to decide who was entitled to what - the daughter included - she had never thought that one day it might be a possible option.

When Amren didn't speak for a while, Nesta urged her, "So? Do you want to marry Varian?"

"No!" the other replied alarmed, instantly, then she corrected herself, "Yes?" she grunted, scratching her nose, "I don't know."

Nesta reasoned about it for a few seconds, taking a pastel blue dress and putting it in the bag with the others she had already picked up, "Would it be such a bad thing to consider marriage as a possibility in the future?" she asked her cautiously, not wanting to upset her friend.

"I don't know honestly," sighed Amren, "I love Varian. I really do. But the idea that I have thanks to my parents has nothing to do with what he has. It has nothing to do with what you have too," she said, looking her in the eye. She was right. The example her parents had given her, before they both died, was the example of a perfect marriage, with a mutual relationship of respect and love. Her parents had been best friends before they were married and there hadn't been a day in their lives when they blamed each other for whatever problems they had.

Amren's parents, on the other hand, had divorced when she was still a child and the girl only remembered how hard it was to go from one house to another every week and how hard it was to live with both of them during the custody case. It had not been a good childhood for her. She had not spoken to her mother or father for two years, from all Nesta knew.

"You know, marriage isn't the same for everyone," Nesta began, "and it's not a necessary step in a couple's life. I don't want to tell you what is best for you, because I don't know. But I think you should talk to Varian about it," she told her in a light tone, "I'm sure he will understand whatever you tell him."

Amren nodded, almost distracted, then shook her head. "And you? How are you going to ask him?" she wondered, trying to change the subject.

Nesta indulged her, being more than happy to talk about her proposal, "Do you know the saga that he and I read? The one about the knight and the prince?"

It was Amren's turn to laugh, "Your eyes sparkle every time you mention A Knight's Tales".

"So you listen to me when I talk about it."

Amren raised an eyebrow, mumbling, "It's quite impossible not to when all you and that brute boyfriend of yours do is talk about those books."

"Anyway," she waved her hand midair, "in the last book of the saga, Adelaide, the knight," - _I know who Adelaide is_ \- "asks the prince to run away with her and he asks her where they could possibly go and she answers that she bought a house in a faraway town just for the two of them. A place where they can be alone and quiet. Where no one will ever be able to find them," she says smiling, thinking what she would have said. "I got him one of the first editions, that book cost me an arm and a leg and it's two hundred years old."

"The fact that you want to _run away_ from your sisters is quite worrying." Amren joked, making her laugh. "And unfortunately I already knew about this part of the story." she continued in a slightly demented tone, as if she had resigned herself to having to know every slightest detail of the series.

Nesta fixed her hair behind her ear, heading towards the dressing rooms, "I think Feyre wants to leave that apartment too and Elain is practically kicking us out."

"What do you mean?" asked Amren curiously.

They both locked themselves in a dressing room and Nesta immediately undressed, feeling her hair rising because of the cold, "She's bringing I-don't-know-how-many plants into the house. Much more than usual. She' is practically taking oxygen away from us to give it to those things." she heard Amren laughing in the dressing room next to hers.

"Do you already know where Feyre will go?"

She shook her head, putting on her first dress. A long black dress, heavy enough to protect her from the cold. "No, I haven't mentioned it to her yet. But anyway, she has until the end of May to arrange things, I have no intention of starting to move in the middle of the exams."

Amren muttered something before saying, "I can't wait to know how Cassian will react when I point out to him that you beat him to the punch".

"Me too."

Then Amren surprised her, "Are you nervous?"

She didn't have to think twice. She smiled, "No, I'm not."

They kept talking about this and that for the rest of the afternoon, until Nesta had to go back to university and Amren went back to her studio apartment. She had a lecture on Space Systems and when she got home it was already six o'clock, only Elain was on the couch watching some documentary about ancient tribes. Feyre must have gone out to avoid getting asked questions, thing that Elain had surely done.

Cassian had sent her a message before she went into class and confirmed that he would be there, having put Azriel in charge of the bar for that evening.

She made a reservation for 8:30 at their favorite restaurant and carefully wrapped the book, placing a bookmark in the right place so that Cassian could open it and read the first line of the page.

_Run away with me. Live with me._

Everything was perfect.

Or so it should have been.

***

Cassian was about to be sick.

Before leaving the house, Rhysand, who was preparing the lesson for his children at the kitchen table, wished him good luck and warned him that he would not be home that night, to give them some privacy in case they needed it. He would be at Mor's.

Now, Nesta was looking at him on the other side of the table with a smile on her face and was telling him about the last topics she had learned in class, something about all the protocols to follow in case of a malfunction of the craft, and normally he would have listened to her in detail, but tonight he couldn't concentrate on the words she was saying.

When he had seen her coming out of the door of her building, in that new pastel blue dress, which wrapped her body perfectly, he had run his hand over the eyes, bewildered. She couldn't be real. She couldn't be his.

When he had kissed her and told her that she was beautiful and she answered him that he was just as handsome, Cassian had almost thought of putting it off another time. He could have waited a few more days.

He didn't want to break this balance of theirs. It was not a precarious balance. It was solid.

Their relationship was perfect. They had no problems and they had never had big, insurmountable ones. This would have destroyed them in one way or another and Cassian knew it.

"Babe?"

Cassian seemed startled, he blinked a couple of times. Nesta was looking at him with a raised eyebrow and an amused expression on her face.

"I'm sorry, I know you're not interested in this stuff, but I'm so excited-"

Cassian stopped her immediately, reaching over the table and taking her hand, "Don't say that, you know I'm interested in everything you say. Whether it's engineering or the color of the new plant that Elain brought home." he smiled at her. Her grip on his fingers tightened.

"Today's one has purple leaves, it's pretty," she replied thinking of her sister. Then she got serious, "Are you okay?"

He nodded, sighing, "I'm just a little tired, down in the dumps," he said, tilting his head to the side, not really lying. "Rhys went to work this morning and when he came back he was doing better - the power of children I guess - but he's still feeling bad about last night. Did you get to talk to Feyre?" he asked more concerned than anything else. He didn't like meddling in other people's business, but everyone's sanity was at stake here. Especially the sanity of who he considered his little sister.

One of their waiters put their desserts on the table. Cassian thanked him with a smile before turning all his attention to Nesta again.

She grimaced, taking her hand away from his and starting to eat, "I didn't see or hear from her at all. Elain says she had lunch with her and they talked a little, but she didn't want to tell me anything and had to go back to the store right after." she took the cherry on her pie and put it on his plate, "Maybe I was wrong to go out with Amren today, I should have gone home too."

Cassian made a sound of disapproval, "Don't worry, she wouldn't have said anything if you'd been there." he smiled at her. "You're not very kind when it comes to Tamlin."

"Well, he's never done anything to deserve my kindness," said Nesta bluntly.

"He did pay a portion of Feyre's college fees, Nes. He got her into that crazy school," said Cassian, almost not believing his own ears. Was he defending Tamlin?

"Feyre would have gotten into the Academy even without daddy's help, and one way or another we would have been able to pay for it ourselves," she continued, giving Cassian another cherry. He knew that she liked cherries as much as he did, but she did it with so much peace of mind that he often wondered if she realized how much she spoiled him sometimes.

"I know she would have been able to get in on her own, but since she's so stubborn to stay with that tool, she might as well use it as such and empty his wallet," joked Cassian.

Nesta chuckled, "You're right."

They finished their desserts in silence and then Nesta looked him in the eyes with so much emotion that Cassian's head spun. He smiled sweetly at her, whispering a I love you, and then she bent over to the side, grabbed her bag and pulled out a brown packet.

He frowned when she handed it to him and took it hesitantly, she looked at him smiling, "What is it?"

***

Cassian was about to open the gift when Nesta started talking, "A few years ago you started talking to me about a stupid book called _The Soft Blade_. It was about a struggling woman, a woman knight who carried out impossible missions. And of a prince forced to a life at court. Forced to chase the woman who offered the most."

The man in front of her was confused, but this time he was really listening to her, more than interested in yet another conversation about his favorite saga. His fingers still on the wrapping paper.

"I remember starting it only out of curiosity, besides your constant begging. And while you find the fighting and adventure part fascinating, I have never found anything that makes me feel more emotional than Adelaide and Constantin." Nesta shook a hand to tell him to unpack the gift.

She saw Cassian stiffen but smile faintly when he realized what she had given him.

"In _The Last Battle_ , there is a very important part." she whispered, joining hands on the table, feeling some of that nerves Amren had talked about a few hours earlier, "Adelaide asks Constantin to run away with her, to go live with her in a place away from everything and everyone." Cassian opened the book where the red cloth bookmark popped out of the pages. He touched the paper, reading under his breath.

" _Run away with me. Live with me._ "

Nesta waited a few seconds, giving him time to understand what she was implying with that simple but at the same time important gift. "I've been through hell in the last few years. I've earned every shred of happiness I have now and you've been the person who has been closest to me all this time." she was so excited that she could have started dancing in the middle of the room, "We have waited long enough, Cass. We have had enough patience and now we can finally start thinking about what our future will hold. Together."

It had been years since she made any serious decisions without first consulting him, but that together, pronounced at that moment, had more meaning than it had ever had in the past.

That's why when Cassian looked up at her and Nesta saw his eyes, it felt like the air was pushed out of her lungs.

She felt her stomach twist and she knew that if she had a mirror in front of her now she would look at a ghost. She put her hands on her lap, clenching her fists.

Cassian was looking at her sadly, with his jaw tight and the look of someone who has to give bad news.

"Nesta..." the waiter who had served them for the entire evening interrupted him, asking if they wanted anything else.

"The check, please. Quickly if possible, we have to go somewhere else." replied Nesta without looking at Cassian and giving her credit card to the boy.

Cassian leaned over the table, looking at her, "Nesta, listen to me."

"Not here," she said, getting up and starting to collect her things.

"Please, let me explain." he begged her, taking her hand. Nesta snatched him off without too much effort and approached his chair looking him in the face. Whatever he had to explain, Nesta knew it would raise hell.

"I said not here, not that we wouldn't talk about it," she said, thanking the waiter and taking back her card. She left the restaurant, without worrying about waiting for Cassian.

They got into the car in silence and he carefully laid the book inside the compartment in the trunk. When he didn't start the car immediately, Nesta stretched out on the seat, snatched the keys from his hand and slipped them into the patch, starting the car. "Drive."

"Nes, can I first explain why I reacted like this?" when she didn't answer, Cassian took it as an invitation to continue, "I want to live with you, my answer to your question is yes. I want to spend the rest of my life with you-"

"Stop it." she said through her teeth, "Stop it, please. Let's go home." her voice broke.

Saying those words hurt her more than usual. Home.

That was not their home.

Cassian tried to take her hand and she moved it, crossing her arms and turning towards the window.

The ride from the restaurant to his apartment was agonizing. Nesta was not good at being alone with her thoughts.

They had spent the last seven years of their lives saying I love you, being there for each other. They had shared joy and anger and pain. They had gotten through high school together and would get through college in a few months. The last two years of their lives had been a constant moving of clothes from one apartment to another.A constant fantasy about how they would decorate their bathroom and bedroom. What colors they would paint the walls of their children's rooms, when the time came.

One day Cassian had told her "I will put a giant picture of you, on our wedding day, on the wall of the fireplace that we'll have in the living room, so that every person who walks through the door will be jealous of how beautiful my wife is."

His wife. That sentence had held so many promises.

Nesta had taken for granted a future with the man sitting next to her. He'd made it clear to her several times that they would spend the rest of their lives together, that they would grow old hand in hand. She had just told him this just a few minutes ago, so what was stopping him?

She dared to look in his direction and Nesta noticed how pained his expression was, the way he held the steering wheel an obvious sign of frustration. She saw it in the way his arm was twitching that he was holding back not to touch her.

Maybe he had been unwell lately and she hadn't noticed it. Maybe she had paid too much attention to her family and neglected Cassian and now he was realizing that he didn't want to be with her anymore and he was just buying time to find a nice way to break up with her.

Even the thought of having to live without Cassian by her side took her breath away.

Whatever was going on in their relationship they would deal with it together, as they had always done. Nesta was just overwhelmed by emotions and didn't give him time to explain himself.

That's why she reached out her hand to him, intertwining her little finger with his, in that simple childish promise to which they were so accustomed.

Cassian turned towards her, almost losing control of the car, he swallowed and squeezed his little finger around hers, nodding almost imperceptibly.

Nesta was carried back years to the day her father died. Cassian had grabbed her by the shoulders shaking her when she stopped answering him. He had held her face in his hands and hugged her, and when he had pulled away and put his little finger in front of her eyes, she hadn't had the strength to ask him what he was doing. Cassian had looked her straight in the eye, "I promise I won't leave you alone tonight and as long as you need me."

She had almost yelled at him that she didn't need to do this crap at such a critical moment, that she had to run to Feyre and Elain, but when he had taken her hand and squeezed her finger around his, she had found immense comfort in that small gesture that until then they had only used for things of minimal importance.

They arrived to his apartment and went up the stairs, their hands joined only by their pinkies. Not a word said in the midst of that chaos.

They detached only when Cassian had to open the door and once inside the kitchen Nesta spoke.

"I love you, Cassian. I love you with every fiber of my being and I know..." she said interrupting him immediately when he tried to spoke, "I know that you love me as much, so I understand that there must be something really important if you haven't said yes yet. I wanted to apologize for reacting like that earlier. I'm sorry." she said, looking at him from the other side of the room.

Cassian nodded, licking his lower lip, "And I apologize for not telling you earlier what I'm about to tell you now."

Nesta hesitated, before sitting down and joining hands on the table. Cassian followed that movement and grimaced.

"I have no way around it, so I'll just say it." he murmured. Nesta waited. And waited.

She was about to tell him that she was imploding to know what was preventing them both from living the dream of a lifetime when he said it.

He said it, and Nesta choked a laugh, holding her hand over her mouth.

 _And she thought it was serious business._ She stood up, wanting to punch him for that stupid joke, but Cassian looked at her seriously.

"What?" she whispered, falling back on the chair.

"I have decided to enlist."

"Are you serious?" she asked, opening her eyes wide and leaning forward, towards Cassian, looking for a clue, something, anything that would confirm that he wasn't serious, "Is this one of your stupid jokes?".

Cassian rubbed one hand on his face, leaning with the other against the back of a chair, "I would have done it under other circumstances, I would have wanted to soften the blow and not do it like this," he said, desperately moving one hand between the two of them.

Nesta clenched her fists, cutting her palms with her fingernails, "So now it's my fault because I decided to ask you to move in together?"

He looked at her severely, "I didn't say that and you know it."

They stared at each other for a few more seconds. Neither of them spoke a word.

"You're not fucking joking," whispered Nesta in dismay.

"No, Nesta, I'm not joking. I'm going to enlist in the army."

The school, his bar, the wedding they both knew was practically imminent. The now tangible future that Nesta had dreamed of every day since she first kissed him. Her work at Prythian Space Agency.

Everything was fading away before her eyes.

She let out a breathy laugh, her hands to her head, "And- when, when did you decide all this?" she exasperatedly asked, "When did we decide that this sudden urge to commit suicide was part of the plan?" she looked him in the eye, snapping to her feet.

Cassian started pacing back and forth, just like Feyre had done the night before, "I've been thinking about this for a few months now-"

"A FEW MONTHS?" cried Nesta in amazement.

"Yes, a few months." he replied, looking guilty at least.

"Jesus Cassian." she murmured, "And when on earth were you planning on telling me this, uh? When were they going to send me a letter from the front saying that my boyfriend is dead?" she shouted.

"I'm not going to die," he said harshly.

Nesta found herself laughing hysterically, "It seems to me that you want to enlist in the army, or did I misunderstand?"

"Enlisting in the army doesn't mea-"

"Joining the army, Cassian, means going to places where there is war. War." she repeated. "It means holding a weapon and being willing to _kill_ for the love of god-"

There was so much confusion in her head that she couldn't make a complete sentence without losing the thread. She put her hands in her hair. Her breathing labored.

There were so many reasons why Cassian shouldn't have even thought about this job option in the first place.

They were fine. They both had prospects for the future.

"Nesta, you have to listen to me-" his voice filled with emotion.

"I don't need to do anything, Cassian." she said spelling out the words, without looking at him. She needed to be alone. She couldn't think straight. She couldn't rationalize with his figure so close. "I've already heard enough."

"No, you must..."

"Enough!" she shouted. "I can't- I cannot think. I gotta go." she whispered, so softly that Cassian had to ask her to repeat.

She grabbed her purse and before he could understand what was happening, Nesta was out of his apartment and in the street, flailing for a cab to stop. She heard him calling her as he hurried down the stairs to reach her.

Cassian had just arrived on the ground floor when she slammed the car door and gave her address, leaving the love of her life behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know if you liked it in the comments and what you think it'll happen in the next chapter and come visit me on tumblr too (@julemmaes)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SORRY TO HAVE YOU WAIT SO LONG, THIS IS LONG AT LEAST  
> HOPE Y'ALL ENJOY

Ignoring Cassian's calls turned out to be more difficult than expected.

She had received the first one while she was still in the cab. She had read the name on the screen and the emotion that she had managed to keep inside until that moment had taken over, pushing her to tears. She had refused with trembling hands and then cried silently all the way to her apartment, where she thanked the driver and climbed the stairs like an automaton. She had managed not to run into her sisters as she walked to her room, but had heard Feyre arguing with someone on the phone.

She hadn't had the strength to go in and see that everything was alright.

The news that the two of them had fought heavily didn't even take half a day to travel in their group, and by noon the next day, Elain had entered Nesta's room with a tray and some cookies, followed by Azriel.

Nesta had tried to kick them out, hiding under the covers, exhausted after a morning spent concentrating on the impossible lessons of the last year, but they had both remained next to her, talking about this and that, without trying to extrapolate information from her, and when Elain had had to go back to work, Azirel had taken off his shoes and laid on the bed, being careful not to touch her.

Nesta could be much more sensitive than normal when she was angry and hurt.

Now, they were both quietly watching a stupid sitcom on television and Nesta couldn't even pick up the phone and pretend she was doing anything else, because the thing hadn't stopped vibrating all morning and she had to turn it off so as not to fall into temptation and text him.

She had written to him that if he showed up at her house it would only make the situation worse and that she needed time, and Cassian had understood that, but that didn't stop him from sending her messages long as books where he begged her to listen to him.

She looked at Azriel sideways, who looked rather focused on the tv series and laughed at every joke. He didn't seem upset at all by what she had just discovered and Nesta realized something very important at that moment.

She snapped to her seat, surprising the boy, "You knew it!"

Azriel jumped up, taking his hand to his chest and looking at her with his eyes wide open, "What the fuck Nes."

"I'm the one who should be saying what the fuck," she said with an equally shocked expression. She took the remote control and turned off the tv, without even bothering to pause the video. Azriel looked around the room and then sighed. "You knew and didn't tell me. Why didn't you tell me?"

Azriel looked at her sincerely confused, "Are you really going with that?"

Nesta took the comforter off her legs, suddenly feeling too hot, "Jesus, yes. Your brother, my boyfriend, he wants-" she froze, choking on her words, "he wants to enlist for some strange reason and you don't have even the slightest thought of coming immediately to tell me?

"You do realize that we are talking about Cassian, do you?" he looked her in the eyes with a serious face.

Nesta replied in tone, "No, we are talking about you and me, Az."

"If we have to dot the I's we are talking about you and Cass." replied mumbling Azriel.

"Stop being a dick and tell me why you didn't come straight to me."

He looked her in the face carefully and then sighed, "He asked us not to tell you anything and you know I would never betray his trust, just as I would never betray yours if you asked me such a thing."

"I know," she replied immediately, "but this is different."

"I understand," he began, but was interrupted almost immediately by Nesta.

"I don't think you truly understand. Not really." she stood up, perhaps too quickly, because she swayed a little. She recovered right away, clutching her fingers around a cloth bookmark that her boyfriend had given her to try to find something that would keep her tied to the real world, without getting lost in her thoughts. She whispered, "If Cassian enlists and they send him on a mission we risk not seeing him for months, never seeing him again in case something more serious happens."

When Azriel didn't answer, she spoke again, "If you had warned me earlier, I could have changed his mind one way or another-"

"You couldn't have done it,"

"Stop interrupting me."

He sat down, putting his hands in front of him on the mattress, "No, you stop with this nonsense. You wouldn't have been able to do it because he only told us when he had already made up his mind."

Nesta blinked confusedly, "Sorry, us?"

The boy nodded, "Yes, Rhys knows it too."

"That asshole." she muttered.

Azriel puffed, avoiding her gaze, "What I'm trying to tell you is that Cassian did not want others' thoughts to influence his decision and I think it was difficult for him to reach this conclusion."

"If it was so hard to decide, maybe there's a reason." Nesta exploded, throwing her arms in the air, "If it was so hard he shouldn't have even started thinking about it."

She saw him clenching his jaw, "He didn't get into details with us and didn't tell us much, although Rhysand busted his balls enough, but I know he has a good reason."

"What would that be?" she asked sincerely curious.

"It's not my place to tell."

She scoffed, "Fuck you."

"You're starting to tell me that too often." he joked.

Nesta replied in the same moking tone, "And I might start using it instead of hello if you don't stop being an asshole to me."

He also stood up, walking towards her, "I'm not being an asshole, I'm just trying to make you understand that you can't sit here and feel sorry for yourself thinking about things you don't know." he put his hands on her arms, squeezing her lovingly, "Before you do that, you should talk to Cassian and listen to what he has to say and then draw your own conclusions."

Nesta squeezed in her shoulders, asking in such a low tone that even she struggled to hear herself, "What happens if I don't like the conclusions I draw?"

"I don't know," he sounded worried for a second, before his expression became neutral again, "would you break up with him?"

She shook her head, "I don't know."

"Alright," he said, letting go of his grip on her and sitting on the edge of the bed, "I understand what the main problems of enlisting are and what you're worried about, but is there anything else that upsets you?" he leaned down on his back, crossing his arms behind his head. Nesta almost laughed, despite everything. If Azriel was moving around so much, it meant that he was just as stressed as she was. "If you want to talk about it."

Nesta sighed, sat back down again and gave him his back, "I think I'd rather not talk about it, actually.

She felt a hand on her back, "Okay, well, you know I'm always here if you need me."

She turned to him, offering him an apologetic smile, "Sorry Az, but I'm so confused right now and saying something would mean giving too much importance to that thing and I'm not sure I really believe everything that's going on in my head-"

He hurried to get up, shaking his head, "Don't worry and you don't need to apologize. It was difficult for me, I can only imagine how complicated it must be for you." she gave him another little smile. He added, "And then, less than twenty-four hours have passed."

"True."

***

That afternoon she was back at the university and like in the morning, she had made an effort to attend every lecture without thinking too much about what was going on in her private life. Amren had sent her a message during the last hour asking her what the hell had happened and that she had seen Cassian only a few minutes earlier and found him destroyed. Nesta's stomach had twisted, but she hadn't answered and tried to forget the image of her boyfriend crying now imprinted in her mind. He had decided to bring that chaos into their lives.

In the evening, the messages from Cassian had decreased and shortly afterwards they had become practically nil, only one every two, three hours. The next morning she was shocked to see that a couple of them had been sent at worrying times in the night.

The next day had gone exactly the same way, she had studied all morning and rested in the afternoon, deciding to take half a day for herself. She had not allowed her brain to dwell too much on Cassian and had watched more documentaries about new scientific discoveries in the space field, which would not allow her to distract herself from what was said in the movies.

Despite the several attempts, however, in the late afternoon, Feyre had come into her room to warn her that she was going out for Tamlin's birthday. Nesta had nodded distractedly and asked her if Elain would go with her and when the other sister also appeared on the doorway, she couldn't even compliment them on how beautiful their dresses were, too lost in her thoughts.

"If you want, I can call Tam and ask him if he can add a seat to our table." Feyre asked her. Nesta had really looked at her at that moment and admired the long dark blue dress. The thing that caught her attention though, was the frantic movement of her hands and the nervous twitch in her mouth that Feyre never seemed to notice. Her older sister had looked her in the eye and assured her that she would stay well at home alone and the relief in the look of the youngest Archeron had hurt her.

She had to find a way to talk seriously with Feyre about Tamlin.

Elain had hugged her and then they both left, leaving her in a house that was too quiet for her at that moment.

She got up and ran out of that apartment, and now, in front of his door, she couldn't figure out how she had driven all the way over there without having crushed someone.

She raised her hand, knocking gently. As if she didn't want Cassian to open the door.

She waited a few seconds and panic crept under her skin, screaming for her to run away. Screaming that she was not supposed to be there. That everywhere would have been better.

The door opened wide and the figure of him filled the space in front of her.

The sight of a so upset Cassian shocked her. The hair normally combed and held up in a messy bun was loose and fell on his shoulders. His eyes, normally a warm and bright brown, now seemed devoid of any crumb of happiness and life. The dark circles under them confirmed to Nesta that he too must not have overslept these days.

He looked her in the face and opened his mouth slightly, closing it immediately afterwards and whispering, "Nesta."

At the sound of his voice, so familiar, she stepped back, wanting to do nothing more than jump on him and beg him not to do it. She clenched her fists, gathering some courage.

What was she doing? She hadn't thought at all about what had happened. She had focused so much on the university that she hadn't had a chance to process all the information he had given her.

Without much thought, she talked, "I need to know some things and-" she sighed, that could go on, she went on, "and I don't know how to ask them. I don't know what I should ask you."

Cassian nodded and closed his eyes, tightening his hold on the door handle. His knuckles turned white and his tone was almost inaudible when he whispered, "And I need to apologize."

The anger she had repressed in those days dug its way into her veins. She gritted out, "I don't want to hear your apology again, I want an explanation."

He nodded again, stepping aside to let her in. He led her into the kitchen, "Do you want something to drink?" he asked quietly, as if he were feeling uneasy. As if he was afraid to say the wrong thing and scare her away.

"No."

He looked closely at her, "Alright." he sat down, pointing at the chair in front of his and Nesta sat hesitantly. She didn't want to give him personal satisfaction, making him think she would do anything he said to her, but she knew she wouldn't be able to endure the conversation standing up. Cassian put his hands together on the table, "Where should I start?"

"Maybe from why the fuck you decided to even think about joining the army." she teased, without looking at him.

He took a deep breath, as if his thoughts were as confused as her own, "About four months ago I was stopped by a person, a recruiter..."

"Where?" interrupted him.

Cassian looked at her confused, "Sorry?"

"Where were you when this guy stopped you?"

He frowned, "I was coming out of the supermarket."

"Oh God, are you telling me that you let yourself be convinced by one of those pain in the asses outside the stores that are literally put there to attract the fools?" she asked laughing, not amused at all.

"I-" he staggered, looking almost offended, "No. Could you just let me explain everything without interrupting?"

"Go."

He looked her in the face, tensing his muscles, "They stopped me and told me about all the benefits of the army. How important it was for me to take part in this great mission." he chuckled, pinching the bridge of his nose, "Obviously, I laughed at them and left." Nesta would have wanted to punch him in the face. "In the weeks afterwards, a lot of soldiers started coming to the bar and telling their stories in the neighboring continents, how every move they made was necessary for the survival of hundreds of people in other countries. I heard them tell about every achievement, every conquest - personal or not - and I realized that I wanted that too."

He stopped for a moment, making sure that Nesta was still listening to him and when she gave him a slight nod with her head, he continued, "I met a guy named Declan one night, a soldier on duty for about three years. We talked all night, he stayed up till closing and left me his number".

She couldn't help it, "How romantic."

He glared at her, deciding to ignore that derisory comment, "He explained to me that every time he goes on a mission and saves a child's life or manages to complete a task and returns home to his family, the pride he feels for himself, for his team, is enormous and a unique feeling," he said in the tone of someone who had never heard of the military. As if those words weren't the same as the ones they used at every event where the army was advertised. "I like the life I have now, I like working at the bar with Az and helping my brothers with the apartment, I like being able to see you every day, but I need something more. I feel the need to act and do something relevant for this world."

She was going to answer him, to interrupt him and tell him to stop saying so much bullshit, but he beat her to it, "I talked to Declan until he had to leave and he explained how it all works and there are more than enough sites on the Internet explaining every little thing, so if you want to know anything, you can ask me, or look for information on your own, but I'd rather talk to you anyway once you've learned the whole thing." he was looking at her with so much hope in his eyes, "He's on a mission right now. He's already done two months and is seven months away."

Nesta had stopped listening to him. She saw him moving his lips as he answered questions she hadn't asked. As he continued to give her a speech that seemed to come out of one of the propaganda videos they showed you at the end of high school.

Azriel was right. She realized he was right as she looked him straight in the eye and saw that excited twinkle that seemed not to belong to him at all.

"What about my career?" she asked suddenly, feeling the need to make him understand what he was going to lose. What both of them were going to lose.

He frowned, "What about it?" He said.

How could he not realize how much this destroyed every little project they had done up to that point?

"All about it."

She stared at the table, following one of the lines of the wood with her index finger, looking for a way to focus on what she had to say. "I didn't expect you to work in the bar for the rest of our lives, I didn't expect you to want to do just that forever, but this is definitely the farthest thing I could ever imagine."

She took a deep breath, retracing the line of a darker brown on the wood, "My job, the one I've studied all my life for and will be graduating for in a few months, is something that will take up most of my days, Cass. In a few years, when," she choked on her words, closing her eyes a moment longer, " _if_ we have kids, I don't want them to grow up without both of us."

She saw him stiffen at those words, but still didn't have the courage to look at him, "I would stay out all day and come home in the evening in time for dinner and I already know that this will weigh heavily on me. You would go to work and you couldn't put them to sleep every night, but you would be with them all day, every day, as long as you worked at the bar. It would be you, together with me, to educate them, to raise them. To teach them what is right and what is wrong." the emotion that that speech was giving her was making everything difficult for her. The fact that they could talk so openly about these things warmed her heart, it had always done so, and yet now it was as if they were hitting her repeatedly and Cassian was standing there next to her just watching.

They had never doubted that it would always be him and her, her and him, forever, but this thing was threatening them on all fronts and Nesta was not willing to let it win. "If you leave every year, or how often a soldier leaves, you'd be gone for months. And we would be forced to leave them with a babysitter and it would be me and this completely random person to raise them." she forced herself to look him in the eye and the expression on his face was the perfect twin of hers, "We wouldn't see you for so long. I wouldn't see you for too long."

Cassian seemed to awaken from a trance, shook his head, resting his forehead on his crossed hands, "These are the things we will talk about when I enlist."

Her tone of voice got louder, "No, Cassian, these are the things we have to talk about now, while we decide if you are going to enlist."

He looked at her at that point, "I'm going to enlist anyway, Nesta."

"Then why are we talking?" she whispered, with eyes wide open, "Why are we talking. Why am I here."

He sighed, rubbing his hand over his face, "Because I missed you these days and I want you to understand why I want to do this. Why I need you to understand and support me on this path."

She couldn't believe her ears. He was giving her reasons why he couldn't leave on his own. Nesta could not understand. "So what are you going to do when it's not just two days where you won't see me, but eight or nine or ten months?" she asked exasperated.

"It will be different."

"How?"

"It will be different because I will know that you will be here, at home, waiting for me," he simply said.

This angered Nesta, who replied in a threatening tone, "Will it be different because you will know that I will be here waiting for you and being a good housewife and model mother?"

Cassian bit his lip, to stop before saying things he didn't mean. "Stop putting words in my mouth that I never said. You're complicating things."

"No, I'm not. I'm not complicating anything." she chuckled, "I'm trying to make sure you realize how serious and critical the decision you're making is." she stood up, rotating her shoulders trying to relieve some of the tension there, "This is the reality of things." her stomach twisted to the prospect of what she was about to say, "You enlisting will mean I have to give up either a career or a family."

Cassian seemed delirious when he said, "We can always have children and pursue the careers we want. We don't have to choose."

Nesta shook her head vehemently, "I have no intention of giving birth to my children and letting other people raise them," she stared at him, "That's not me."

He was looking at her without saying anything. "You don't even know what to say."

More silence. Nesta felt the emotion become too much and when the body was about to betray her and let the tears accumulated in her eyes come down, she attacked again, "So we are not enough? _I_ am not enough?"

Cassian appeared stunned, "What?"

"You said you need something more. Does that mean that you like me, your brothers, your life now, but I'm not enough to keep you alive?"

"Nesta-" he stood up too, taking one step towards her.

Nesta took one step back and the look Cassian gave her hurt her physically, "Don't fuck with me".

He had the audacity to whisper, "This is not about you."

"Yes, _it is_!" she shouted, "We've been together for seven years, Cassian." the voice growing higher when she said the number, "Seven, for god's sake. And it didn't occur to you to talk about it with me. I could have helped you." her voice betrayed her and broke on the last word.

He seemed to ignore it, "Help me with what exactly?" he asked so desperately, "Because I know what you mean. I know you would help me by preventing me from choosing my path and following my dreams."

She couldn't have heard that right. She laughed as she looked at him with her mouth open, "Your dreams?"

"Yes, Nesta!" he shouted, "I need to leave my mark. I need to do something concrete in my life that will bring me satisfaction."

It was as if he had ripped her heart from her chest and held it so tightly that it exploded, "And why are you and I, our marriage, the children we will have in the future, not satisfying enough?" Nesta exclaimed, lowering her voice shortly afterwards, "What is wrong with me that is not enough for you?"

Cassian whispered the word no repeatedly and came so close that he could touch her. Nesta retracted before he could hug her and the pain imprinted on his features destroyed what little was left inside of her, " Sweetheart, there is nothing wrong with you. I love you and you are enough. You are more than enough for me. You are too much. And starting a family is and always will be one of the most important things for me."

She snapped, "Stop messing around, this is serious."

"I can't stand behind the bar all my life serving drunks and men with midlife crises who no longer understand how to satisfy their partners." he muttered, "There are people dying because their countries are failing them and I am one of the people who can help them. There are children who are kidnapped every day and are taken away from their families. My job would be to bring them home. My task would be to save those who are too weak to save themselves." he concluded, as if the last two days without her had given him enough time to prepare a speech.

Four months, she corrected herslef mentally.

Nesta nodded, looking for support in the kitchen counter behind her, "So you've made up your mind."

Cassian nodded once, "I have."

"And I can say nothing about it." she smiled and there was nothing friendly or sincere in that gesture. He moved one hand, lifting it midair, but lowered it immediately realizing that she did not want to be touched. He stepped back and Nesta realized that she had held her breath until then.

Cassian also seemed to realize this and his face grew grim, "That's...".

"I understand." she intercepted him, when he seemed to stumble over the words, "I understand." she repeated more silently.

Cassian panicked and let himself fall backwards against the table, moving it a few centimeters. He ran his hands through his hair, "Can I explain to you how this would all work, please?

Nesta shook his head, shifting her gaze to anything other than him, "Cassian, I..."

She was interrupted by the door of the house that opened and banged against the wall.

Rhysand came in dragging his feet on the ground, his arms full of colored notebooks and sheets and cards. He seemed more tired than usual and Azriel had told her that he was not really well, but which of them had been genuinely happy in those last days?

He seemed to realize only after taking off his shoes that both of them were looking at him and he was surprised to see her there with Cassian, moving his gaze quickly from one to the other.

She dared a glance in his direction and realized only at that moment how distressed both of them must have looked.

Rhysand cleared his voice and placed the notebooks on the entrance cabinet, raised his hand in greeting, before saying, "Sorry, I didn't think you'd be here. I can get out," when no one answered, he grimaced, then turned directly to Cassian, "send me a message when you're done."

Nesta instantly recovered at those words and breathed abruptly through her nose, moving to pass Cassian and head for the exit, "Don't worry Rhysand. I was just leaving."

"Nesta." Cassian called, in a desperate tone.

She didn't even have to get dressed. She had been so shocked to see him again, so shocked that he didn't even look like himself, that she hadn't thought to take off her jacket, "I feel like I need a little more time, Cassian. A few more days, to think." her throat tightened. She could feel her eyes wet.

Rhysand got into the conversation, walking into the kitchen, "Guys I'm serious, I can get out, it's no problem."

Nesta hesitated, looking Cassian right in the eye, "Don't worry, I'm done here."

Her boyfriend looked at her with fear and when he muttered, "Are you breaking up with me?" Nesta could only answer in a whisper, "I don't know."

A tear slipped over her cheek and she moved quickly to remove it, "I'll call you."

Cassian stood motionless in the middle of the room as Nesta walked past Rhysand and muttered a simple, "Bye."

"Bye Nesta." the younger brother seemed equally upset, but she heard him answer before the door closed behind her.

Cassian looked at his hands, running them over his face and almost scratching his eyes. He raised his head and turned towards Rhysand, "Where were you?"

"I stayed at school preparing lessons for next week," he answered in a very low tone of voice. He walked over to the table and sat down, "What happened?"

"You can guess." he cursed under his breath.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked cautiously.

Cassian scoffed, trying to hold back the tears, "No."

He sat down, dropping his head on the table.

Rhysand remained silent for a few minutes, pondering what he might say without hurting his older brother too much, "You have everything you could want, Cassian." he whispered to him, cracking his fingers, "You don't need this."

He shook his head, massaging his temples, "You have no idea what I need."

_No one seemed to understand him._

He got up, knowing perfectly well that he would not be able to hold that conversation for any longer. The blows he had suffered so far from Nesta were enough to make him feel bad. He did not need someone else to punch him as well.

Rhysand did not answer immediately, but then sighed, "Okay, maybe I have no idea, but," he also stood up, leaning forward on the table, "Nesta is the woman of your life. This would just be a career change. A risky career that will lead you to death."

Cassian did not answer, he looked out the window while a flash of lightning cut the sky in two, followed by thunder.

Perfect, now he would have been worried until he saw Nesta again the next time.

He was so used to having her around and texting her every move he made, and he was so used to her warning him every time she got home safe and sound.

There would be no message that night.

Then Rhysand said something that took the air out of the man's lungs, "I thought we both knew that Nesta was going to be the mother of your children." he approached him, placing his hand on his shoulder. Cassian turned to look at him and saw how Rhysand's eyes were dark, darker than they had ever been. "She will be the mother of your children and if you can't see how much this will destroy her, maybe you don't deserve her." his brother's fingers tightened around his shirt, before he let go once and for all, "Maybe I'm wrong, maybe you don't realize how much Nesta is vital for you, but this will destroy you too, if you are not careful."

With this, Rhysand nodded and walked out of the kitchen, leaving him alone once again.

***

The next morning Nesta woke up with a deafening headache. Elain and Feyre were definitely not coming back before lunch, both of them had sent drunk selfies and called her a couple of times and she knew they had stayed over at their boys' house.

She had fallen asleep crying, sniffing sheets that smelled like Cassian and thinking how every single thing in her life was about to be turned upside down, one way or another.

The only thing that had cheered her up was finding that her cycle was over, but even that spark of happiness had faded when she saw that Cassian had tried to call her at four o'clock and something in the night.

She had been awake at that hour, looking at the ceiling after she had woken up completely soaked in sweat. She couldn't remember what she had dreamed, but it had been enough to pull her out of her sleep and she could not fall asleep afterwards. Anyway, she had not touched the phone, left it on the kitchen table.

She dragged herself to the fridge, taking the milk and starting to make coffee.

She was setting the table when the spoon fell from her hands and she froze, looking at the object on the floor. She clenched her teeth and felt immensely stupid when tears threatened to flow from her eyes.

_How could she cry over a fallen teaspoon?_

She was about to scream, driven by frustration, when the front door opened and she hurried to erase every trace of her lonely morning cry when she realized it was Feyre.

The little sister stopped at the entrance, her heels in her hand and her face that of someone who would want to destroy everything in their path. As soon as she saw Nesta, her expression became confused, "Were you crying?"

Nesta shook her head to say no and Feyre scoffed. "Yes, and I don't want to tear this stupid dress." she dropped her shoes on the floor and then turned around, starting to walk backwards towards her. Nesta took the hint and approached her sister, pulling down the zipper of the dress. Feyre thanked her and took the gown off, swearing more than once when all the jewels she was wearing got caught in her straps.

She sighed with relief, her shoulders sagged and she remained in her panties and bra in front of Nesta, who snorted, sincerely amused by that little show.

"I take it your night didn't go so well," said Nesta pointing out the coffee. Feyre nodded, puffing and sat down in front of her. She served both and then sat down as well.

"Tamlin was being an asshole as usual and ruined the evening for everyone," she explained, taking a cookie.

"I see." murmured Nesta, watching her sister, "And who exactly was he being an asshole to?"

Feyre grinned, looking her in the eye, "Not with me," her eyebrows shot up, "at least, not just with me. He argued heavily with Lucien, but I didn't understand why. And it shocked me a little." she shrugged, "We'll have to ask Ellie." she took another cookie.

"Yes, we should."

Feyre got serious all of a sudden, "Why were you crying?"

It was Nesta's turn to shrug, "Stress."

"So early in the morning?" she asked just a little amused.

She chuckled, "I dropped a teaspoon, if I have to be honest."

Feyre burst out laughing, "It happened to me last week, too."

Nesta smiled. It had been so long since they had spent any time together and joking. And Feyre must have noticed it too, because she reached out to her, waggling her fingers, "I'm sorry if I answered you badly the other night. I wasn't angry with you."

"I know, don't worry," Nesta reassured her, taking her hand and squeezing it just once, "if you ever really need someone, you know I'm always there, don't you?"

"Yes, I know." she smiled shyly at her, then took a deep breath, "How are things going with Cassian and... everything?"

Nesta knew that she would have to talk about it with someone else, but she couldn't see that it was real. That Cassian was really trying to enlist.

"Things are _bad_." she placed the cup on the table, clenching her fists, "I went to his house last night. When you went out." Feyre seemed surprised, but she didn't comment and let her continue undisturbed.

"He explained to me why he wants to do it." her breath started trembling as she remembered the longing in Cassian's eyes, the hope there, "He went as far as telling it's his dream." she scoffed, "His dream. Can you believe it?"

Nesta continued to speak for a few minutes and Feyre listened attentively, especially when she talked about Cassian's motivations, but at the same time she seemed to be thinking about something else entirely. When her sister put her hand on her arm to stop her, Nesta froze with wheezing breath and shaking hands.

"First of all, calm down." she squeezed her hand, caressing her palm, "Secondly, you won't like what I'm about to tell you, at all." she grimaced, leaning against the back of the chair. She crossed her arms over her chest and gave her a narrow, not quite sincere smile, "Cassian depends on you," said Feyre without many words, "That man depends through and through on you, Nes." she scratched her forehead, thoughtful, "I can see that."

Nesta sharp intake of breath was enough to tell Feyre that she was walking on thin ice and this conversation could have ended in only two ways: Nesta physically attacking her sister or Nesta crying desperately.

"This city is overwhelming, one way or another." she began, "And you and Cassian have been together long enough for you to realize that he needs to feel alive." she looked her straight in the eye, "Opening a bar right after high school was a way to meet different people every night, to have a breath of that adventure that he craves so much through others."

Nesta brought a hand to her chest as she listened intently.

"He waited years for you to finish school so he could support you in everything you want to do. To be there for you when you need it most. Exactly as you do with me," she added at the end, giving her a little smile, "I realize how frightening this is for you and what it would mean for your relationship.

 _No, you really don't._ Nesta wanted to tell her, but she remained silent.

"In a couple, one has to give and receive, Nes. He gives you every fiber of his being every day. He never imposed anything on you," Feyre's voice grew shaky, "he never stopped you from doing anything. He let you live your dream of becoming an engineer and never told you that you could not do it because you are not enough." Her eyes filled with tears and Nesta clutched her chest. She felt that the speech was very personal.

Feyre usage of the word "let" made her head pound even more. "I realize how scary the idea of losing him is, but give him a chance. Sit down at the table with him and let him explain every little thing." she seemed to be almost begging for her to do so. "Ask him to go into details and maybe you will be less frightened. Because, Nes," she leaned forward, "right now you don't really know anything about this whole project of his."

Nesta nodded.

"He is in conflict right now. He's definitely scared because he doesn't know what he wants. Or he knows it all too well and he's terrified of losing you." she ran her hand over her face, rubbing her eyes.

_I am the one terrified at the idea of losing him._

"All I know is that he needs you now and he needs your support."

Nesta shook her head, "How can I support him in such a thing? In his suicide mission?" she whispered.

"It's not a suicide mission, he's trying to figure out if he can handle it. He wants to do it because he feels the duty and the will is secondary here, probably." Feyre sighed, "Nesta we can stay here and talk for hours, but I am not in Cass's head and neither are you. You just have to prepare yourself and have the willpower to really listen to him. Without undermining his speech, without belittling what he is trying to do."

"I don't think I can do it," Nesta began.

Feyre immediately interrupted her, "Then you can't go on being together. If Cassian has really gone this far and called this his dream, it means he really wants to act on it." they remained silent for a few seconds and then Feyre stood up, "I'm not saying you should break up, but if things don't start to go wrong now, they will in a few months or years."

Now Nesta really wanted to ask her why she was still with Tamlin, since she was so aware that they were not well. She often wondered if Feyre felt somehow forced to be with her boyfriend for everything he had given and offered her during the long years of their relationship.

"Cassian wants to do this and if by telling him what you told him last night, his idea hasn't wavered at all, then there's no way to change it. You can only offer support or let it all go."

_Let it all go._

She could never.

"You cannot continue to be together if you prevent him from trying, because that would be too big a wound to live with." Feyre concluded her speech by titlting her head a little and apologizing, stepping out of the kitchen and warning her that she was going to drown her own sorrows in bubbles and boiling water.

Nesta sat in silence alone, her hands tightened around the edge of the chair on which she sat and her thoughts running faster than ever before.

She closed her eyes when she came to an inevitable conclusion.

She would have lost Cassian no matter what, the only decision she had to make was when.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love them so much and if they don't kiss in the immediate future I'm gonna sue myself. This is some fluffy-whump shit I don’t even know, I tried to update earlier this time, I hope I didn’t fuck anything up and please please be nice if you don’t like the chapter cause today was hard - we found out my uncle is positive and my parents might be at risk (me as well) and it’s not good.  
> Enjoy!:)

Nesta sat on the armchair in Cassian's apartment and stared at the void, clutching her hands around her cup of tea.

She had been there for thirty minutes, joined by her boyfriend, and they had both said only a few words. She was terrified at the idea of having to force herself to listen to him and he, unaware of the battle that was raging inside her, seemed not to want to drop this crazy idea.

"I spoke with Feyre this morning," Nesta murmured. Cassian's head snapped up, a not too convinced smile flashed on his lips, inciting her to continue. "She told me I should listen to you."

The half smile turned into a proper one at her words, but he got serious when she gave him a dirty look, "Why?"

"She said that if you've gone so far as to call this insane mission of yours a dream, then it must be important." she held the cup even tighter between her fingers. Cassian followed the movement with his eyes, frowning. "She says I can't clip your wings. That it would do us more harm than the prospectus of you dying in combat, apparently." her sharp tone that of a woman who leaves no witnesses.

He stiffened in his seat, "Nes..."

"I'm not saying that she's right. I'm not going to give you my consent to do shit like that, not yet..." she pointed out, looking him straight in the eye, "But I want you to explain to me how it would work."

She saw the second hope ignited in his irises. The moment he knew that if he used the right words, if he pushed the right buttons, he would be able to make her give in. And Nesta wanted to shut herself down. She wanted to throw the cup against the wall and yell at him how stupid, stupid, stupid he had been to think such a thing.

She wanted to tear her hair out because the man in front of her was the only thing that hadn't brought her down in the last ten years and now he was slipping through her fingers, and she couldn't do anything to avoid it.

"What do you want to know?" he asked, pushing himself forward in the chair and resting his elbows on his knees. He wasn't smiling openly, but she could see that the conversation was making him happy.

She licked her lips and saw him swallow.

They hadn't kissed in about four days and Nesta was counting the minutes since their mouths had touched before they started fighting, wondering if it would be the last one every second that passed.

"I want to know everything." she stammered, "What should you do now, right now, to prepare to join the army?"

He ran his hand through his hair, messing it up, "I'll have to take a medical examination, of course, and do a physical screening." He began, "This will be held in MEPS, which stands for Military Entrance Processing Station," Nesta had a feeling that she would remain silent for much of the explanation, without interfering. Not because she didn't want to, but because she could better absorb the information and all the acronyms he would spill on her.

As if she had been in class and they were explaining yet another protocol.

"I'll have to go there to process into the army." he looked her in the eye, "Basically, I'm gonna spend a night in an hotel, chosen by them. You can come visit me with the others, but you'll have to leave at ten and-" he stopped, arching his eyebrows, "Do you want the details of what I'm gonna do or?

She stopped him, "Please, tell me everything."

Something in her voice must have moved him, because he looked at her carefully before he resumed, "Alright, I'm gonna get a call at four in the morning, I'll get breakfast there at the hotel cause they do that for you," he said as if it were something to be applauded.

She snorted, "I think that's the least."

She wasn't ready to thank an organization that would surely destroy her family just because it would give her boyfriend a free breakfast.

Cassian glared, "And then we're all there at MEPS at five."

The fact that Cassian already saw a "we" in the army made her skin crawl.

"They'll assign me to a liason and that person is gonna explain what the day will entail and what we should expect."

He took a deep breath, easing some of the tension in his shoulders. He did that so often, "Then, there's the Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery, that I'm gonna call ASVAB from now on. It is a mock test used to screen applicants to ensure that they mesure up to the high standards that are required."

And here it was, his recruiter voice. Nesta didn't think he would mention other propaganda videos, like the night before, but it seemed exactly like he was doing that while saying, "The main reason this test exists is because for Prythian Armed Forces it's important that they employ people who show strong levels of enthusiasm and skill." he winked at her and Nesta had to make an effort not to throw the cup at him, "You know, in order to maintain a great level of service and professionalism."

He puffed his cheeks, with thoughtful expression, tapping a finger on his lips, "There are nine subtests to this thing." And then he started counting on his fingers, "There are General Science, Arithmetic Reasoning, World Knowledge, Paragraph Comprehension, Mathematics Knowledge, Electronics Information, Auto and Shop Information, Mechanical Comprehension and Assembling Objects."

He stood up, took the phone at the center of the coffee table and passed it to her. She hesitantly picked it up and saw only a picture of a book, "There are plenty of sites and a specific book with sample questions I'll need to try out." he pointed the phone into her hands, "Just like a normal exam, same exact stuff."

He joked that he would need her to study, but she didn't change her expression, putting the phone on the coffee table and taking a sip of her tea.

"I'm gonna get a medical briefing and after that I have to get an exam with some physicians," he continued, "Once I'll be done with medical part-"

She interrupted him again, having to stop that dump of information that was being tossed at her, "And at this point you're not enlisted yet, are you?"

Cassian's smile turned soft, "No, baby, this is the moment they see if I'm suitable."

She nodded, "Got it."

He gave her the thumbs up, "Resuming, once I'm done with medical, I'll meet up with a counselor and that's the part where I negotiate a job. We'll talk about this later." he cracked his fingers, sighing, "With that being done, I'll go to the processing section, they'll do what they have to and at this point, I'll take the Oath of Enlistment, where I'd like you to be there."

He looked hopefully at her and Nesta closed her eyes, breathing through her nose.

Cassian stood up, approaching her. When she felt his hand on her leg, Nesta opened her eyes and saw him kneeling in front of her, his eyes glowing as he stared up at her.

"And then I'm gonna come home. To you." he whispered, stroking her thigh with his thumb, "And the first part will be done."

She moved her leg, fleeing his touch. She missed him too much and that hand, whether it was a strategy to soften her up, to make her lower her guard or simply because he missed touching her too, was messing with her brain.

Cassian swallowed noisily, clenching his hand in a fist and bringing it to his side. He stood up and sat down on the sofa, as close as possible to her armchair, "I'll return to the MEPS a second time, to begin my path on the army. A second medical inspection, a second oath and final processing and then I'll leave for BMT, which is Basic Military Training," he concluded.

Nesta looked across the room, toward the kitchen, where they had argued heavily just a few hours earlier. She closed her eyes and lowered her head, suddenly feeling weak.

His words appeared behind her eyelids, as clear as the sun.

_We can always have children and pursue the careers we want._

He had seemed so sure of what he was saying.

_We don't have to choose._

"Sooner or later we will have to..." she whispered.

Cassian pushed himself towards her, "Sorry I didn't hear that."

Nesta passed her hand over her face, "No, nothing," she sighed, "I was just thinking out loud."

He nodded, biting his upper lip.

"Is that why you've been training so hard?" she asked, remembering only then how much more he had actually started working out in the last few weeks. In the last few months.

Cassian responded positively and they continued talking for hours.

Nesta asked question after question: what would happen now, what would change in the immediate future in their lives, when was he supposed to leave Velaris - when was he supposed to leave here.

He explained to her what they were going to do. He would sign the contract for enlistment in a delayed entry so that he could leave in more than six months. So that they could plan everything calmly without the fear that he might be called to start Basic.

The departure date would have been decided together before he left for MEPS. He would apply for a career in the Transportation, Distribution & Logistics field as a Cargo Specialist.

Cassian had opened a web page on his phone and had her read what a job in that field involved.

"Cargo specialists ensure service members all over the world receive needed supplies and are themselves transferred safely and efficiently to their destinations. They are responsible for transferring or supervising the transfer of cargo to and from air, land, and water transport by manual and mechanical methods. They also plan and organize loading schedules." she read aloud.

Exactly what Declan was doing at that moment, he explained.

Cassian remained silent for a few minutes, allowing her time to assimilate any information he had given her. There was still so much to discuss that Nesta's head was bursting at the thought.

Before she could say anything about the fact that they were done for today, the door of the house opened and Azriel entered, with two vases so big that they covered his face, followed by a smiling Elain.

Cassian puffed and looked at her, whispering so that the others would not hear him, "I can't wait to have our own house," Nesta felt her heart implode, "so no one would ever come into the middle of our arguments to interrupt." she knew that his was a poor attempt to make her laugh, but she had completely turned her brain off.

She was used to talking about these things with him. Her heart hadn't hurt at the idea of the two of them just living together. Her whole body had hurt at the idea that in that house, there would only be her. No one else.

Even if they spent the next six months looking for the perfect house and found it, she would be alone.

Because Cassian would be overseas.

She turned to him, really looking at him and concentrating on the long black eyelashes that were fluttering fast.

She caught her breath, rising abruptly and Elain realized at that moment that she and Azriel were not alone. Both of them seemed more than surprised to find her in their living room, but, exchanging a quick glance, they decided not to say anything about it.

Azriel put the large vases on the floor, taking the smaller ones she was carrying out of Elain's hand, "Hello," greeted both of them and Cassian stood up in turn, turning to the newcomers and giving them a tight smile, "have you read the messages?" Azriel asked, taking off his coat and scarf that Elain had knitted for him.

Nesta smiled slightly.

It was Cassian who shook his head.

"Mor said that Manon arrived early. There was a misunderstanding with the time zones and they got confused with the days, but she's here anyway." Elain sounded excited, "Dinner at hers tonight."

"Fuck." Nesta murmured, running a hand over her face. She grunted in pain thinking of the headache she would have the next morning when she was due back at work. The week she spent at home on vacation had certainly made it easier for her to lay in bed without having to spend hours in the bookshop.

Cassian turned to her, slightly worried, "We don't have to go if you don't want to".

We.

Azriel looked closely at them and when he crossed Nesta's gaze, he sighed.

" _We_ -" she began, "We?" she asked sarcastically, laughing in his face.

She was getting angry and had to try to control all the emotions roaring inside her.

After all the things he had decided without her, there was still an us. Apparently.

Cassian seemed to be in trouble, "I'm sorry," he whispered, "You don't have to come if you don't feel well." he corrected himself, "I'm sure Mor can arrange a meeting with just the three of you."

Nesta looked him in the face, clenching her jaw, "I'm going."

Elain let go an excited scream and went up to her, "I'm glad you're coming too."

They exchanged a quick hug and the older one almost cried.

She didn't realize how much the lack of physical contact weighed on her. And how more than half of that contact came from Cassian.

***

"Hey girls, come on in!" Mor greeted Nesta and Feyre with a bright smile on her lips.

As soon as they entered the house, they smelled the smell of baked pasta and both their mouths watered.

"Amren and Varian are in the kitchen with Manon and Rhys is wandering around the house somewhere, so," she told them, informing them on who was already there. Then she took one look at Nesta, "You're sure you and Cassian can stay in the same room without jumping at each other's throats?"

Feyre giggled next to them, shutting up immediately when Nesta looked at her with an eyebrow raised.

She turned to Mor, "He promised me he wouldn't bring up the army topic tonight and I promised him I wouldn't get mad about anything he said, so there shouldn't be any problems."

The blonde didn't seem so convinced, but then someone called her from the kitchen and her face lit up. She grabbed them both by the hand and dragged them into the other room, where a tall girl, with almost blinding white hair, was standing with a pan in her hand. When she saw them, she opened her eyes wide and flashed them a smile.

Feyre raised her hand in greeting and Nesta smiled tightly.

"Oh! Yeah, sorry," Mor approached Manon, taking the food and placing it in the center of the table.

"Baby, these are two of the three sisters, Nesta," she said, pointing to the eldest, who reached out to Manon to shake her hand, "and Feyre, the youngest of our group."

"Pleased to meet you," murmured Feyre, blushing under the inquisitive gaze of Manon.

The girl smirked, "The pleasure is all mine." then she turned to Mor, "Our Morrigan told me that you were all very beautiful, but I didn't think I'd join a group of models."

Amren, who hadn't taken her eyes off Nesta until then, snickered, "And we're the modest ones, just wait until Rhys and Cass are in the same room and we'll have a hard time breathing from how much space their egos will take up."

Feyre laughed, "You say that as if Azriel didn't know he was the most charming one in the group," then turned to Varian, "Nothing personal," she joked, sitting between Amren and Mor. The boy shook his head smiling, always with his silent manner.

"At least dear Az remains humble and does not go around proclaiming himself Miss Velaris," said Mor.

"It happened only once and I was drunk off my ass."

Rhysand entered the kitchen with his usual grin on his face, sitting next to Nesta.

He greeted the sisters with a quick smile, and she saw Feyre smiling back as if they hadn't yelled at each other five nights earlier.

She looked around, trying to figure out if she had missed something in the last few days or if she was really the only one who just couldn't let things go.

It was true, she wasn't going to cause Mor any trouble that night and she certainly wasn't going to spoil everyone's dinner by arguing with Cassian, but she wasn't going to pretend it was all okay either. Looking at each person at that table, however, it seemed that the fight that everyone had heard had never happened.

They were talking about the university and the jobs they had and Manon seemed more than calm and comfortable in that group. Feyre, strangely enough, was the one who was the most involved in the conversation and Nesta realized with no small apprehension that it must have been because Tamlin didn't let her make new friends so often.

Manon was a flower that had just bloomed in the burnt lawn that was her sister's life.

When the other three arrived, Azriel had one arm around Elain's shoulders and Cassian, behind them, had shiny eyes. Nesta knew very well that he was not crying or drunk. That was the face Cassian had when he was exhausted and only two days of deep sleep could fix that.

Manon and Mor had got up to make introductions and Nesta had burst out laughing when the newcomer had extended her hand to Az and said, "You must be Lucien. You and Elain are a splendid couple."

Elain laughed and shrugged Azriel off, "Oh, no. He is Azriel. Lucien's not coming tonight."

Mor had cast a long look at her girlfriend and Manon had apologized, smirking, as if she had done it on purpose.

Nesta knew very well that the blonde in their group often talked about the relationships-non-relations within their circle, so Manon must have known that no one in that house really believed that Elain loved Lucien. At least, no one in that house believed that Lucien was the right person for Elain.

There was a time when Nesta was convinced that he was going to propose to her. That sweet little Ellie would finally leave the nest and build her family elsewhere, but whenever she was asked questions about their relationship, she seemed indifferent. She cared about Lucien, she did, and it was obvious.

But maybe that wasn't enough anymore.

Azriel had introduced himself for who he really was and then rushed to the table, sitting next to her, red from head to toe. Nesta bent over to him, making a joke about what had just happened, and then whispered, "Thank you." Azriel raised a confused eyebrow. "For sitting here," she pointed to the chair, "I didn't want to have to spend the whole evening next to him."

He smiled at her, clutching her knee under the table and reassuring her that it was not a problem.

When they all sat back down to eat, Manon was looking at her and smiling at her in a reassuring way. Whatever Mor had told her, the white-haired girl knew more about them all than she let on.

Cassian didn't speak to her the whole time, too lost to have a chat with Varian and she was grateful that both of them were sitting on the same side of the table, because she didn't risk crossing his gaze, not once.

Also because she was sure that if he looked at her even for a moment, he would notice that something was wrong and that Nesta was not feeling well.

When Mor put the wine on the table, half of them refused the alcohol, finding a plausible excuse that they would all have to work the next day, but Nesta knew every person at that table like the back of her hand and she knew that Feyre had refused because she would have argued with Tamlin if she drank without him being there. Elain would bring up things that weren't supposed to go out in such a context and she and Cassian would start fighting, driven by the liquid courage in their glasses.

Halfway through the meal, Nesta got up to go to the bathroom and as soon as she shut the door behind her, she sighed closing her eyes.

Cassian was right when he told her that she should not come. Her headache was getting worse and she couldn't concentrate on anything that was being said.

She sat on the closed toilet and put her hands to her face.

She felt her fingertips tingling and her stomach hurt so much that she would not be surprised if she vomited all over the table when she got back.

She had to go home and sleep and not think about anything.

She heard the others burst out laughing and suppressed a groan of pain when her ears started ringing.

She was dying, she could feel it.

She came out of the bathroom staggering, almost as if she were high on drugs.

Leaning on the wall for support she managed to return to the kitchen and covered her eyes with one hand, sheltering herself from the light. She coughed to call Mor's attention and they all turned towards her.

Nesta sighed for the umpteenth time, "I'm really sorry but I don't feel so good and I'd rather go home," she stepped to the table, approaching Manon and offering her a tired smile, "It was nice to meet you, I hope you can come back soon and visit us."

She had no idea what she was saying, the ringing in her ears became louder and louder.

Cassian stood up and everyone's attention shifted to him, "Do you want me to give you a ride?" he was already slipping out of his seat.

Nesta shook her head, grimacing, "No, there's no need-"

"You're sick, you shouldn't drive in these conditions," said Amren, looking at her severely.

Feyre came to her aid, "If you want I can take you. I can go out with them tomorrow," she said, pointing to her friend and her visiting girlfriend. Mor nodded, looking at her pale face and looking more concerned than necessary.

"Nesta," whispered Cassian, "please."

The fact that no one was making fun of him for literally begging her to drive her home made her realize that others had also sensed the emotion in his voice.

She looked him in the eye and nodded slightly with her head.

She saw Cassian sag with relief and then he was gone to the other room, fetching their stuff for her. She arranged with the sisters how they would return home and Azriel reassured her that one way or another they would safely go home. This made her slightly agitated as Azriel wore that stupid sneer he had every time he exaggerated with wine. Elain told her that she would be driving, since both Az and Rhys did not seem to be properly sober, and Nesta calmed down. She was about to thank Mor again when she felt the weight of the jacket on her shoulders.

She turned and smiled gently at Cassian, who had a tired and worried look on his face and shifted his gaze over her cheeks as if he could find the illness on her skin and remove it only by willpower.

He put his arm around her shoulders when she got dressed and said goodbye to everyone one last time, while Nesta, tired of being angry and on the verge of another hysterical crisis, snuggled up against him, letting herself be dragged out of the apartment and into the car.

As soon as she sat down, she leaned her head against the backrest and closed her eyes, yawning.

"Let me," Cassian murmured to her. He looked at her hopefully and it took her a few seconds to realize that he was asking her if he could fasten her seatbelt. She nodded almost imperceptibly, swallowing when he smiled at her and stretched over her to reach the other side of the seat.

She breathed the air deeply and had to close her eyes tightly when his scent ran over her and tears made their way under her eyelids.

She missed him so much.

Cassian closed her door carefully and then went around the car, settling down behind the wheel.

Like the last time they had been in the car together, he was not putting the keys in the patch and she was getting nervous.

She didn't have the strength to argue at that moment and if Cassian had offered to accompany her and she had accepted without too much fuss, it meant that her body knew it too.

"What is it?" he asked her finally, starting the car.

Nesta looked at him from the side, with a lost look, "Everything hurts, I think I might have a fever".

Throwing her a look full of worry, he said, "Why don't you close your eyes for a while? I'll wake you up when we get to your house."

She nodded and leaned her forehead against the cold window.

It wasn't long before she fell asleep, lulled by the gentle humming of Cassian and the rocking movement of the car.

When she woke up, she was no longer in the seat of her boyfriend's Jeep, but someone was carrying her and her head fell right and left as she was being bounced up the stairs. She tried to open her eyes and recognized the stairwell of her building.

She had her head resting on his chest, one arm around her back and one under her legs to support her.

"Sssh," he murmured into her hair, "we are almost there."

She grunted in pain, whimpering and almost crying when Cassian had to put her down to get the keys and open the front door. Her feet touched the ground and she leaned completely against him, gasping against his chest.

She didn't even have the strength to touch him and her arms were dangling along her sides. It was as if her legs had become jelly, she couldn't stand on her own.

"Sweetheart," he called her and she moaned, "I know, I'm sorry," he rubbed his hands on her back, stroking her gently, "but you have to give me a moment to open the door. So I can take you inside and you can sleep."

Nesta couldn't see anything and if she tried to keep her eyes open, everything would spin, but she still heard the hint of panic in his voice and could picture the worry painted on his face. Clenching her teeth she pulled herself away from Cassian and backed against the wall, "Hurry up," she said through her teeth.

The door was opened in a second and then Cassian picked her up without her even noticing. He took her directly to her room and as soon as she touched the bed, she sighed, pressing her face against the pillow.

Cassian took off her shoes and pants, helping her slip into her pajamas and covering her legs with the comforter. When he tried to pull her up to sit down, Nesta twisted, her head pounding.

"I know everything hurts, but if I let you sleep in your bra, tomorrow your ribs will hurt even more," he explained to her, sitting on the mattress, "Lean on me and I'll take care of it, Nes," she laid down, her head turned to the other side.

She heard him sigh and then Cassian's arms wrapped around her chest. She leaned completely against him with her eyes closed as she cried silently. The pain had reached overwhelming levels.

 _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry_ , she heard him murmuring when she sobbed.

Once he had removed her shirt and bra and put the top of her pajamas on, he laid her gently on the bed and put the comforter on her so that she was not exposed to the cold.

She felt Cassian's lips on her forehead a second before sleep took over.

_"I promise we'll get through this one, too."_


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I want to dedicate this chapter to @queenestarcheron whose comments literally give me life and the main reason I’m writing this story basically. I’m sorry for this chapter and I really feel like this is just the start where everything goes bad and then bad and then bad and uuugh I’m sorry
> 
> I wrote this whole chapter listening to Let’s Hurt Tonight by OneRepublic and idk, if you like to hurt like I do I’ll advise you read it with the song on repeat;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I DON'T KNOW IF YOU NOTICED BUT I POSTED SOME DRABBLES ABOUT FEYSAND IN ANOTHER STORY (you can find that on my profile) AND I'LL POST ABOUT ELRIEL/ELUCIEN/FEYLIN TOO. THEY'RE ALL SET IN THIS SAME UNIVERSE

Nesta had only been awake for ten minutes and already felt all the fatigue that Monday would bestow upon her. She was staring at the ceiling counting the seconds until she had to get up and get ready to go to work and when the phone started vibrating for the third time that morning, Nesta huffed and went to the bathroom.

The headache was completely gone and it seemed as if she hadn't gone through all the pain that had caused her to be unable to walk last night. She just hoped that it wouldn't come back to haunt her, because the idea of being as vulnerable in front of everyone again as she had shown herself the night before at such a delicate moment in her life gave her goosebumps.

Elain had left her some kind of medicine on the kitchen table with a yellow post-it on top of it said 'I hope you're feeling better. I bought them for you, so put them in your purse before you go out.' with two little hearts drawn around an elegant E.

She was trying not to make too much noise to wake her sisters when she heard a grunt coming from the living room. She froze with the kettle in her hand and arched her eyebrows, walking slowly towards the sofa.

There, lying without restraint on the cushions, was Cassian. He was wearing one of his pyjamas that he kept in the apartment and held one of the pillows that she always used to his chest. He kept his neck bent in a uncomfortable position and she knew that she should have moved his head to avoid him a despicable stiff neck, but even the risk that he might wake up and hover over her, following her all over the kitchen as if she could collapse at any moment prevented her from feeling pity for the man.

She remained to look at him for a moment too long, hand on her hip and the desire to put her lips on his rosy and fleshy ones.

If she lingered too much, she would not be able to leave the house.

Closing the kitchen door behind her, she had breakfast quietly, preparing some cold rice and leaving three equally full containers for the others. Elain would work all day, Feyre would have classes overlapping and she would not be able to find a minute to eat, forgetting all about it, and Cassian would be on shift at the bar and would end up eating the first thing that came his way and he already ate enough leftovers from his customers to pass up a fried meal for once.

She passed in front of the living room and opened the door with her bag on her shoulder. She looked at the sofa and could only see Cassian's toes and puffed, irritated with herself. She quickly laid the stuff on the floor and approached him, taking his head in her hands and arranging it in such a way that he wouldn't be paralyzed by the pain as soon as he woke up.

Cassian moved grimacing and put his head back in the previous position. Nesta frowned, "Why don't you ever do what I fucking tell you? Not even in your sleep," she whispered slowly.

***

"Nesta?" Clare seemed shocked to see her come in through the back door, "What on earth are you doing here?"

Nesta looked around, genuinely confused by what was happening, "It's Monday, isn't it?" then slumped, groaning, "Oh god, did I get the days wrong again?"

Clare shook her head, "No, no, it's Monday and you're on time," she said as she approached her. Nesta sighed. "Only, Cassian sent me a message late last night saying that you were really very sick and that you wouldn't be able to make it," she explained, smiling at her.

She probably thought it was sweet and nice that her centenarian boyfriend took such good care of her that he felt compelled to call her work and take the day off.

Sometimes she was amazed at how much Cassian didn't seem to know her at all.

Then she closed her eyes, thinking how wrong what she had just said was.

No one knew her better than he did, and if he had called his boss to take the day off it meant that she had been really sick the night before.

She shook her head, taking one hand to her forehead, "I appreciate the concern, but I'm fine."

From behind one of the shelves, Emerie appeared with a mountain of books in her arms. As soon as she saw her, she wrinkled her forehead, "You look like shit," she said to her as a greeting, still continuing to place the new arrivals on the shelves, "Shouldn't you be at home resting?"

"Did he text everyone?" Nesta asked, opening her arms wide.

Clare shook her head no, "No, but he sent me a very long message and sounded very worried," she shrugged, "I thought it was something serious. I would have sent you a message mid-morning, I didn't want to risk waking you."

Emerie agreed with her, going back to the other room to get more books.

"It's all a mess and he shouldn't have sent you any messages," sighed Nesta, walking towards the staff room and raising her voice a little, "It's been a very long week and I have to tell you many things, if we don't have too many customers I can do it even before lunch."

Emerie appeared almost running into the little room where they took their lunch breaks and where they rested when people were not too numerous. Her eyes were wide open and there was an amused glint there, "I can't believe it," she snorted, "The longest lasting couple in history fought."

Nesta glanced at her, but said nothing. Emerie smirked.

"Wait Nes!" they heard Clare screaming, who arrived with a box that must have weighed more than her. Emerie raised an eyebrow and Clare looked at her frowning, "I couldn't hear what she was saying...".

Nesta snickered, "Don't worry, you were just missing Em fucking with me."

Clare walked up to the middle of the room, placed the box on the table and started to open it, "So?" she spurred her to speak.

"It's a really long story and knowing you, you wouldn't survive if we were interrupted halfway through the story." Nesta seemed hesitant and the two girls exchanged a quick and confused look.

Emerie stepped forward, "How serious is this?"

Nesta looked her in the eye for a few seconds, "A I-don't-know-if-we're-still-together kind of serious." she nodded, reducing her lips to a thin line.

"Holy shit." whispered Clare.

Emerie opened her eyes wider and suddenly became serious, "Did he cheat on you?" she didn't even give her time to answer, "Because if he cheated on you I'll take a day off and go kill him."

Nesta chuckled, despite everything, "He didn't-" then stopped, thinking that what he had done had been a betrayal anyway. She shook her head.

"That's a start and I can cross the killing off my list," said the friend, offering her a half smile.

Clare seemed as shocked as Amren when she had told her that Cassian wanted to enlist. Nesta felt sick at the idea of having to ruin her day with such sad information and regretted a bit that she had introduced the topic.

Emerie clapped her hands, waking everyone up from that trance they were stuck in, "As much as I love teasers and all that crap there, if you're not going to tell us now we'd better get back to work, because in-" she looked at the clock on the wall, whimpering, "sixteen minutes we have to open and we won't have even a spare second to sort out the last releases."

"Shit," said Nesta all of a sudden, "it's the 12th, isn't it?"

Emerie nodded, completely knocked down by the information.

"I'd say it's time to get to work," murmured Clare.

Without saying a word, they all walked towards the "fantasy young adult" section. They marched as if it was their last hour and were about to be hanged in the square. And it actually was a little bit so, because the last book of the most acclaimed saga would be released and none of the three were ready psychologically to welcome the hordes of people who would enter the store that day.

Clare had thrown worried looks her way all morning and Emerie hadn't offended her more than twice, which was weird, because she never missed an opportunity to toss them insults or make puns.

This was bothering Nesta.

Her mood had even worsened when around noon, Cassian had called and then sent her a message when she had not answered:

" _Are you completely insane? Where are you?_ "

Those words had made her arms itch with anger.

" _If you're at work, stay there, I'll pick you up and take you home._ "

And then again:

" _What made you think going out when you were practically dying in pain last night was a good idea? You need to rest and let your body recover._ "

To that, Nesta had apologized to the client she was serving and sent a quick response:

" _Don't you dare come and get me or I swear to god Cassian this is the time I'm going to get seriously mad. I don't want to fight about this too. I woke up, I was fine, I went out. Period._ "

When he hadn't replied, Nesta had sent another message:

" _I need a distraction and I need the money. Don't come._ "

Cassian sent her a simple, " _Alright, sorry. See you._ " and she went back to work.

She hadn't failed to notice, however, that he hadn't written his usual _love you_ at the end of the message.

Now, Emerie was looking at her with fiery eyes and Clare had stopped eating, one hand in front of her wide open mouth.

"Are you joking?" Emerie seethed with rage.

Nesta shook her head, sighing, "The worst thing is that I can't reason with him."

Clare placed the cutlery in the plastic container, "And his brothers? Az?"

Her colleagues had met the magnificent trio when she had started working at Clare's mother's bookshop soon after her father's death. They needed money and both she and Elain had found a job almost immediately, Elain in a small diner on the same street as their apartment and Nesta in that magical place. Cassian and Azriel used to pass by practically every day she worked to bring her food - considering how many times she forgot to take care of herself because of the mess that was her life - and it didn't take Clare and Emerie more than half a second to realize that there might be something between her and the younger of the two boys. They had had the opportunity to get to know the others in the group during the various birthdays and parties, but they had never had a very close relationship with Rhysand. Probably because she herself had never gotten beyond seeing him as her boyfriend's brother.

Looking at her two best friends at that moment, she realized that whatever she decided to do with Cassian, they would support her, because they were there when it had all started and they would be there when it would end. Whether it was in two days or seventy years.

"Azriel knew it and didn't tell me anything for a month." Nesta confessed, picking at her nails.

Emerie snorted, "That fucker."

"I said the same thing," smiled Nesta, "but he was actually only respecting what Cass demanded and it's not his fault my boyfriend is dumb."

"This may be a low blow, but have you tried calling his mother?" asked Clare, looking more and more upset.

Nesta tilted her head to the side, "I don't know if she knows..." she rubbed her hands on her arms, trying to whip off some of the frost in the room, "And I don't want to be the cause of the heart attack she's going to have in case she doesn't know and I barge into her living room saying 'Hey, help me convince your son not to enlist'."

"Then you really should go and tell her everything," said Emerie, leaning forward on the table, "If she really doesn't know, she might be so shocked that she reacts so strongly and convinces Cassian to give up."

Clare looked at her with her mouth open, "What are you talking about, you pshyco." she muttered.

Nesta nodded, "Yeah, the fuck. I'm not trying to kill Vera."

Emerie seemed offended, "I'm just saying that if she has an excessive reaction-"

"Which would not be excessive for such a thing." mumbled Clare.

"-you might not have to do anything and leave it to the woman to beat him."

Emerie seemed offended, "I'm just saying that if she has an excessive reaction-"

"Which would not be excessive for such a thing." mumbled Clare.

"-you might not have to do anything and leave it to the woman to thrash him."

Nesta stood up, shaking her head and throwing the lunch papers, "No, I'm not going to betray him like that."

Clare was still looking at Emerie as if she had four heads, "Who hurt you?" she whispered, "Like, that's the sickest thing I've ever heard in my life."

Emerie's features softened as always when she addressed their boss, "Right? That's sick!" she exclaimed smiling.

"I didn't mean it like that," said Clare, "I meant that that's literally the best way to completely ruin things with your partner." then she turned to Nesta, "Please don't go to Vera."

Nesta raised a hand, "That was absolutely not my intention." she said, "And what's more, this is still fresh between me and him and we haven't really talked about anything yet," she said.

Emerie interrupted her, "Well, actually you've been fooled with the whole enlistment process explaining. That's the last thing you should have done."

Nesta frowned, "What do you mean?"

"He's probably thinking you've already accepted it. If you only asked about the first part, that means you can discuss the rest later, once he's finished training."

Clare grimaced, "It shouldn't be like this though. And I don't think Cassian thinks Nesta accepted."

Emerie reached out to the girl, touching her arm with a knowing smirk on her lips, "I've read enough romance novels to know the situation is worse than it seems.

Nesta would normally be annoyed that the people in the room were talking about her and their lives as if she wasn't there, but she seriously needed an outside view of all that mess.

"This isn't one of your books, we're talking about Nesta's life," Clare pointed out to her, looking slightly annoyed.

"Fiction mimics reality." she shrugged, then turned to Nesta, "I'm just saying that before talking about what he's going to have to do specifically to get in, you had to discuss what it will all involve." Emerie stared her in the eye, more serious than ever, "The problem Nesta, it's not the present, it's not the fact that he will have to run and eat well for the next two months and that he will have to stay out for two days to do tests on tests. I'm sure you don't give a damn about all the acronyms of names either," said the friend getting up, "The problem will be that you will have to stay months, years, away, when you have been inseparable in the last ten. I don't remember a time when you have been apart for more than three days".

Clare nodded and Nesta' head was starting to hurt.

"You got sick because you spent two days without him while you were thinking about whether or not to leave him. You got sick from the stress." the girl pointed out to her, "And tell me, who took you home? Who took care of you?" she asked, "I'm not trying to hurt you or fight with you, but with everything that's going on right now, you need to sit down and write a list of things you're going to have to start doing on your own. Before he leaves."

Clare squinted, "Em, maybe we should stop-"

"Not because you are not capable or because you are not independent, Nes. We all know very well how strong you are, but there are things, there are daily habits that will have to change completely."

Nesta knew that.

But there were so many things to discuss. So many aspects to see together with Cassian.

She felt a lump in her throat. Emerie had always been cheeky with her and she knew that she was doing it for her own good, that she would tell her everything that any other person was too shy to admit. Or that they took for granted.

But for Nesta at that moment, nothing was taken for granted and she couldn't think of anything.

"And even though he keeps saying it's not a suicide mission, he doesn't know. He can't afford to say things like 'I won't die', 'I'll come back safely, 'nothing will change'. Because it's just bullshit and you can't let him think that," concluded Emerie.

She just wanted to cry. And scream.

"It's difficult." Nesta sighed trembling.

Clare stood up at that point, going over to her and putting her hand on her arm and giving Emerie a stern look. She took a deep breath, "I know, I realize it's not easy, and that's why you have to talk. That's why you can't leave discussions halfway open and not pick them up the next time. If you do that, you convince him that that topic is closed and that you accept it as such."

Nesta bit the inside of her cheek and, ironically, the conversation ended there.

They remained silent for the rest of the lunch break and then Nesta said goodbye to them, having to go to class.

She had not even left the bookstore, that she had already dialed Cassian's number on the phone. It only took two rings before he picked up.

" _Hey, sweetheart,"_ he trilled, _"everything okay?"_

Nesta gritted her teeth, feeling the tears swell in her eyes. She heard Cassian moving on the other side of the phone, " _Nes, are you alright?_ " he sounded worried by the tone of his voice. She closed her eyes, stopping next to her car. She couldn't speak.

" _I'm probably talking to myself, but_ babyy!" he yelled into the microphone, making her flinch. He sighed deeply, and Nesta imagined him as he settled back into bed to rest a few minutes before he went to work too.

The sound of the call ending set her off and with frantic movements she managed to open the car and get into it, driving towards the university. She received a message just as she started driving and didn't allow herself to check what he had written until she was in front of the engineering building.

The text read " _Baby did you buttdial me or couldn't I hear you? Anyway, call me if you need anything, love you._ "

She was about to lose her whole life and heart, wasn't she?

" _Buttdialed you. I need to talk to you._ "

She didn't even had to wait for a reply, the three dots already there the second she pushed 'send'.

" _Tomorrow?_ "

Nesta did not answer, not knowing whether seeing him the next day would be a blessing or a condemnation and thought. And thought.

And thought.

She thought during class and while walking from one lesson to the next.

Was she the one who was in the wrong?

Was Feyre right? Maybe she should have let Cassian's career take its course.

Maybe their relationship didn't start to last. Maybe Nesta would have found someone else.

She parked her car in front of her apartment, seeing that the kitchen lights were on, while the Spacecraft Structures and Mechanisms lesson was playing out in her head.

She dropped her head against the steering wheel, trying to swallow the emotion and not to burst into tears.Couldn't he have waited for her to get her master's degree before dumping this into their lives? She could have handled it much more easily if she hadn't also had the stress of exams. Or maybe not.

The phone rang and Nesta almost screamed for the scare. She grabbed it and saw that it was Feyre and wrinkled her forehead, looking up at the window on the second floor. She saw both sisters looking at her laughing and felt that some of the heaviness she had gathered during the day eased up. She smiled at them, refusing the call and getting out of the car.

The second she entered the home, she was enveloped by the warmth of the small apartment and the smell of what she knew very well was their mother's old macaroni and cheese recipe.

Feyre arrived running in front of her, followed by a festive Elain who appeared shortly afterwards. They were both smiling as if it was Christmas morning and she relaxed even more.

"Are you okay?" asked the little one. She knew it wasn't worry, what she heard in her voice, more the desire to know how her day had gone and Nesta nodded, yawning.

Elain flapped her hands in excitement, "Can we eat now?

She grinned, taking off her jacket and shoes, "I'm going to put on my pajamas, you start without me."

Feyre squeaked with happiness and ran to the kitchen and Nesta was relieved to see her so relaxed. Monday had a completely exhilarating effect on her little sister. Feyre basically only had labs that day and could get completely lost in painting for hours and hours and it was forbidden to use phones in art classrooms, so she wasn't really distracted by calls or messages.

She heard Elain speak loudly and warned her that she had to tell what she had missed the night before at Mor's. When she returned to the kitchen, she sat down and smiled at everything she was told, commenting on each thing with the right calculated expressions and perfect exclamations when needed, but she felt empty, numb.

She went to bed early, saying that she still had to recover from the headache the day before, but when she woke up the next morning, she did not feel better. She didn't feel anything at all.

The conversation she had had with Emerie had upset her and she could not understand why. Her friend hadn't told her anything she didn't already know.

She felt like she was just going through the motions, studying all morning and memorizing stuff on her books and manuals and when she had to leave home after lunch to go to work, she didn't even know who she was anymore.

Tuesday was Emerie's day off thankfully, and at the bookstore was just her, Clare and Matthew, one of the students who, like her, needed some money to get away from home and a temporary job. He and Carlos had been working in the store for so few weeks that Nesta didn't even know their last names and was surprised to be able to remember the boy's name.

Clare had asked her how she felt several times and Nesta had not answered, not even able to speak without risking breaking down completely.

***

"Cassian." murmured Nesta, lying on the sofa, wrapped in a wool blanket. Turning the fabric in her hands she almost smiled, remembering the Christmas when Vera had gifted it to her, "Where are you?"

" _I didn't know if you'd want me and I stayed home, but I'll be there in five minutes if you-_ "

"I need you," she said in an even smaller voice. They were used to spending Tuesday nights at her house watching a movie and when she came home and hadn't found him, there had been a moment of panic when she assumed something bad had happened.

Cassian moved on the other side of the phone, " _Nes, I-_ " he stopped, " _I know this is not a good time and there are a lot of things that are upsetting you about this whole situation, but_ ," he took a deep breath and Nesta closed her eyes, resting her head on the armrest of the sofa, " _I can feel that you are unwell for other reasons and it hurts me not to be able to do anything about it, so I offer you one thing_ ," he said in a serious voice.

"I just need you here." whispered Nesta, more exhausted than ever, "I'm tired and I'm angry and I need my boyfriend, you don't have to offer me anything, Cass, I just need you to come here and pretend that everything is about to change." Nesta's words broke at the end and she swore faintly, cursing herself for being so compliant when it came to Cassian.

" _My offer was the same._ " he pointed out, " _Do you want me to stay on the phone while I come?_ " he asked her. She heard the sound of keys and a door being slammed and was relieved to learn that he would arrive in less than twenty minutes.

She shook her head, "No, I don't want you on the phone while you're driving, you know it."

" _Yeah, I know,_ " he chuckled, " _Alright, see you in less than the blink of an eye._ "

She smiled and the second the call ended, she regretted not accepting his proposal to stay and talk.

She must have fallen asleep, because when she opened her eyes, Cassian was kneeling in front of her and was looking at her with a grieving expression on his face and a half smile on his lips. He reached out to her and caressed her cheek, making her breath catch in her throat.

"Hi, sweetheart." he murmured to her.

With strength she didn't know she had, she managed to pull out, "How can you do this?" she asked so quietly that she wasn't sure she had spoken either, "How can you act as if nothing is happening?"

She knew that she wasn't being fair, she knew that she had asked him to come over there and pretend that everything was normal, but the second he saw his eyes, something inside her broke even more.

"Doesn't it weigh on you, at all, that I'm so upset? That I can't think straight and that I feel so numb sometimes that I can't even recognize the reflection in the mirror? My thoughts? And not even a week has gone by." her eyes filled with tears and the smile on his lips was gone, "Because I miss you, Cassian, and-" she sobbed, pushing her face against his hand, "and I love you and I don't want to lose you and everything you're doing now makes me think it's not like that for you. That you don't want me back, that you don't want a life with me."

Cassian stood up, holding out a hand that she didn't hesitate to grab, she sat up and he stood next to her, looking her in the eyes, "Nesta I love you, you are the reason I wake up in the morning." his chin trembled as much as her body, shaken by the crying, "And the fact that you are suffering because of me makes me feel so bad that I can't breathe sometimes, I feel like I could die. And there isn't a day that I don't wake up and think about how much I want an eternal life with you." a lonely tear slipped over his face and Nesta sobbed, her face twisting in a grimace of pain. Cassian put both hands on her face, pushing his forehead against hers, "And I miss you so much. I haven't kissed you in a week and it's like a piece of me is dead."

Nesta tried to speak, but it was difficult in the midst of the sobbing, "And- and how do you think we..." a sound of pain scratched her way up her throat and Cassian wrapped her in his arms, pulling her closer so that she was sitting on his legs. She put her head to his chest, clutching his shirt with her fingers, "How do you think we will be able to go weeks, months, years without seeing each other, without being able to touch the other, if even a week has led to this?" she said exasperated.

Cassian passed a hand over her hair, kissing her temple, "I can't stay here."

Nesta violently detached herself from him, "Why?!"

He didn't answer, he just looked at her, with shiny eyes and a contracted jaw, and she burst into tears even more loudly, "I need you here!"

"I know."

"You need to stay," she shouted.

"I can't," he sighed trembling, "Don't-"

"Yes, yes, you can!" she said, looking at him with exasperation, "You _can_!"

Cassian nodded once, "Then I don't want to."

Those five words were like a punch to the stomach and dampened her breath. She got up from the couch, from him, and carried a hand to her throat and as if there had been a tap, a switch, the tears stopped flowing, and the pain became such that it no longer existed and for a second, a miserable and useless second, Nesta thought she had found the answer.

She was about to speak, she was about to tell him.

To leave. To never come back.

To stop loving her.

And yet, when she opened her mouth, something completely different came out, "I'm tired." she whispered, completely drained from any emotion. Cassian remained motionless and Nesta's body did not respond as it had always done, it did not react.

Cassian reached out his hand to her, "Come here," he begged her.

He didn't have to repeat it a second time that she was straddling his lap. She bent forward and closed her eyes, breathing his scent, placing a hand on his chest, right above his heart and feeling it beating. When she looked at him, his eyes were black with emotion and darting on her face.

Nesta's mind was screaming.

"I love you." she murmured, staring into his eyes and then, she pressed her lips against his and the sound that burst out of Cassian's chest was devastating. Earth-shuttering as they closed their eyes as they breathed from each other's mouths, while a week of repressed quarrels and rages and pains inflicted by the other were poured into that kiss.

His movements became more frenzied as his hands slid to her hips and pushed her against him and Nesta moaned, or sobbed. She felt the moment when every sorrow, every ache and hope, every memory, broke the surface and the numbness that had accompanied her in the last two days exploded and she began to lose herself.

She felt like she was falling into emptiness and had to break away from Cassian, starting to breathe frantically. Too fast.

Cassian cradled her face, his expression worried expression, "What is it?"

Nesta looked at him with her eyes wide open.

She looked at the wrinkled skin on his forehead and the way his eyebrows were expressive enough to give away any emotion he felt. She looked at his nose, following its contours and at his lips, swollen and red and shiny, moving as he spoke and touched his hair, long and dark and soft and so familiar to the touch.

She was still falling into that void and felt that she was about to lose control over everything. She saw every laugh and every moment of happiness leave her body. She saw every smile that had been aimed at her. She saw the love of her parents and the devastation her father had gone through when her mother had left them. She saw Azriel's smile the first time they spoke and saw the young Feyre and Elain running around in the garden of their childhood home.

It was all slipping through her hands and she was screaming and couldn't grasp any of those memories. She couldn't.

She saw Cassian kneeling in front of her. She saw him smiling with watery eyes as he walked down the aisle and saw him crying as he held a blue puff to his chest.

Everything was slipping away.

" _Look at me!_ "

And Nesta did it. She looked him in the eyes and hit the bottom. She stopped falling and everything that had left her body fell on her with such force that her back bowed.

She kept looking into his eyes while all sorts of emotions swirled there. In that dark, usually light, brown that Nesta had learned to love in all those years.

She was not ready to let him go.

"Nes look at me." he muttered again.

She burst into tears and fell forward, on him, while Cassian stroked her back and whispered to her that everything would be alright.

Nesta didn't know if everything was going to be alright, but as she got up and climbed up the walls of that hole in her mind, as she picked up every good and bad thing that had happened in her life, as she accepted that thing between them, as she reached the top, where Cassian was waiting for her hopefully, she didn't realize that there was something, someone at the bottom. Someone who was trying to scream and get noticed by her.

And the more Nesta cried in Cassian's arms - the more the Nesta in her mind went up and up - the more she lost herself.

Nesta reached the gate, accepting this new challenge that life was presenting her with, without realizing that she was leaving everything she believed in at the bottom of that well.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is nice I guess. I’M SORRY YALL I REALLY AM. I’M LATE, AS ALWAYS, BUT THIS IS KINDA FLUFF, I GUESS, FOR MY STANDARDS. ALLSSSSOOO I GOTTA GIVE YOU A WARNING, THERE’S A LITTLE SMUT HERE, VERY SLIGHT, so yeah, that’s it. 
> 
> Enjoy!:)

It had been a week since Cassian and Nesta had come to what might have seemed like a truce. She had allowed him to take her to dinner two nights in that time, and they had managed to avoid the subject army with a skill that belonged only to older couples who had spent a lifetime together and knew how to handle tragedies. She could have mastered that skill other times in the future, but she knew that more conversations about his near departure would come soon.

Azriel had called her the morning after the second outing, asking her not to accept any more invitations because he was sick of working Cassian's extra hours, pointing out that it wasn't the work that weighed on him so much as the fact that he had to do it with a bunch of kids as co-workers. The only one who really worked hard and didn't give him troubles was Blair, a girl in her first year of college. Nesta hadn't talked to her very often, only the few times she'd stopped by the bar while she was on her shift, but she'd been friendly and helpful and she'd seen her dealing with customers. Nothing compared to the strong, bubbly personalities of her male colleagues.

She had been studying all morning and then at work as well, during the times when there had been no customers, and lately she felt like that was all she was doing. She was overwhelmed with books and at night, when she tossed and turned between the sheets in an attempt to fall asleep, she saw only formulas and numbers floating behind her eyelids. Taking this master's degree was proving much more difficult for her than she had thought.

Added to this was the frustration from the fact that she and Cassian hadn't done it in two weeks, and although she had found relief on her own more than once, it wasn't the same as when he was the one touching her, making love to her.

When an older woman had asked her for advice on erotic novels that afternoon, she had smiled, knowing exactly what to give her, and had decided that she would give him something that night, anything, rather than go another day without feeling his hands roaming her body.

Her plans, however, had gone up in smoke when Elain had warned her that she would be staying home that Tuesday night, and by then Cassian had invited Rhysand as well. The evening now ruined and Nesta had audibly sighed in frustration, drawing the attention of her sister, who was in the process of cooking.

"What?" she asked her.

Nesta put the phone down in front of her, "Rhysand's coming over too."

Elain chuckled at her sister's annoyed tone, then nodded, "I haven't seen him at all this week. Not even Az, he didn't even come to help me with the shop."

"How come?" asked Nesta, closing her books, knowing full well that if she mentioned Azriel, the conversation would drag on. He wasn't going to come, Tuesday was Cassian's only night off, and someone had to make sure the kids didn't set the place on fire.

When her sister spoke, she was surprised to hear a different name altogether.

Elain shrugged, opening the fridge and grabbing some extra veggies, "I don't know, I've been spending a lot more time with Luce and things seem to be going better." she smiled at her, seeming genuinely happy with the new change.

Nesta frowned, "Why better?" she tilted her head to the side, "Were things going badly?"

"No, not really," the younger one confessed, "however with Tamlin and Feyre fighting all the time and him sticking up for Tam... I got particularly upset last week."

The bright gaze she had had up to that point seemed to darken.

"Did something serious happen?" she asked, trying not to sound too nosy. She knew full well that Elain didn't like to gossip, but this was different. If Feyre was in trouble or if Tamlin had gone too far, she wanted to know.

Elain began mixing the flour with a little water and realizing what she was cooking, Nesta stood up, saying, "If you're going to fry them, leave some aside for Cass, I'll steam them for him."

"He just made his usual scene because we were playing strip poker and Feyre was obviously losing on purpose, just for fun, and when she was left in her bra Tamlin grabbed her-"

Nesta's eyes went wide, stopping her with a raised hand, "He _grabbed_ her?"

Elain shifted uncomfortably, nodding, "Nothing too serious, he-"

She was interrupted again, this time by the intercom ringing. Nesta cast a quick glance at the door and huffed, looking over her shoulder, "Don't think you're getting away with this, now finish your story."

Rhysand and Cassian walked into the apartment laughing and Nesta's heart warmed.

She smiled at her boyfriend, whose cheeks and nose were flushed from the cold and his hands were frozen as he put them over her face to pull her to him and kiss her. A simple peck on the lips, but one that improved her mood a little.

"Hello handsomes," she greeted them both, "if you'll excuse me, Elain and I were just talking about something, so whatever you were laughing about will have to wait to be told."

Cassian chuckled, placing a hand on her back and gently pushing her towards the kitchen.

Elain smiled at the two men, peeking out the door and continued, in a lower voice, "We left pretty much right away because Lucien didn't want to stay, but I heard him yelling." she confessed without looking at her, "I haven't been able to talk to Feyre though, she seems to vanish every time I'm home and she's spent every night at his place since that night. I texted her to find out what happened, but she sent me an emoji of an eggplant and drops with a winking face." she grimaced, "Definitely something I didn't want to know."

Rhysand walked into the room just then, stripped of his jacket, "What are you girls talking about?" he asked rubbing his hands together.

"Tamlin." replied Nesta without even looking at him. Elain threw her a dirty look.

He snorted, "My favorite person."

"We weren't talking about him," Elain pointed, starting to sink the vegetables into the batter, "But about Feyre."

"Your actual favorite person." joked Cassian, with a wicked grin on his face, then walked over to Elain, looking with glowing eyes at what she was cooking, "I can't wait to eat them."

Nesta snikered mischievously, "Oh no, army boy," she slapped him on the shoulder, "you want to be a big boy so you get some beautiful boiled zucchini." she gave him a sarcastic smile. He huffed, shaking his head. "Please Ellie, continue."

"I would," his sister resumed, "but I really don't know what happened next, other than...that."

"Do you think I should talk to her?" asked Nesta, filling a pot with water.

Cassian looked at her confused, almost worried, "Did they fight again? When?"

Elain nodded, "Last week, the 13th," she replied, avoiding everyone's gaze.

"She came home that night. And it was really late when she did because we'd already been asleep for a while." pointed out Cassian, taking a seat next to Rhysand.

"And I don't think you should do that, Nes," Elain murmured.

Nesta wanted to respond, to say that it was necessary for someone to talk to her, but Rhysand beat her to it, "Maybe I'm biased-"

Cassian laughed, bringing a hand to his chin, "Considering we're talking about Feyre, maybe yes," he joked.

Nesta gave him a murderous look, "Drop it."

Rhysand breathed through his nostrils, "-but I think things are going much worse than before."

Elain frowned, "Not that I'm trying to deny it, but why do you think that?"

"We know they've had four fights in the span of a week," he did a quick mental calculation, "Now, I'm not exactly an expert on relationships that last more than a month, but I don't think it should work that way." he searched for the gaze of those in the room, and when it crossed Nesta's, she turned her back to him, pretending to check the water.

She spoke in an uncertain voice, "I mean," she cleared her throat, clutching the kitchen countertop in her hands, "maybe they're having a hard time too." she closed her eyes, taking in the silence that fell over the kitchen. She and Cassian had been fighting a lot too, too often in the previous week.

It was Rhysand who spoke, "I didn't mean it that way."

"And Cassian never treated you like that, and he never would," Elain added. Nesta turned, looking into her eyes, trying not to focus on her boyfriend as her sister gave her an amused smile, "Also because if he tried to grab your arm like that, he'd find himself without a hand in two seconds."

Rhysand stiffened in his chair. Cassian's expression transformed completely as they both assimilated the girl's words.

"What-" the youngest of the siblings swallowed, "What do you mean when you say grab her arm, exactly?" he asked with that lethal anger she'd only read about in books.

Nesta had never seen him so angry in her life, and if Elain felt that she would react in such an extreme way in the same situation, it meant that what only a few minutes before she had tried to pass off as a simple getting Feyre out of her chair, was so much more.

Elain seemed at a loss, "Like," she turned to Nesta, extending a hand towards her and then withdrawing it back, "May I?" she asked her hesitantly.

Nesta nodded and then Elain grabbed her by the arm, pulling her towards hard enough that Nesta had to spread her arms to keep her balance. "Nothing too serious, it's stuff he's always done, it's normal. Don't worry about it." chuckled Elain, as if she really thought it was normal for a person to be treated that way.

A horrible feeling climbed up Nesta's spine.

She searched for Cassian's gaze, and the feeling of fear and worry he was harboring mirrored her own.

Cass leaned forward, reaching his hands out to Elain on the table, blocking her movements, "Ellie, is there something you need to tell us?" he spoke in a cautious voice and Rhysand was watching the girl intently, with thoughtful eyes.

She shook her head in confusion, "What do you mean?"

"Has Lucien ever touched you like this? Has he ever grabbed you, or pushed you?" asked Rhysand urgently wanting to know the answer. It was almost as if he was holding back from running to Tamlin or Lucien's house to kick them. A common feeling in the room, Nesta thought, pondering the emotions swirling within her and seeing the same tics giving Cassian's feelings away as well.

Elain's eyes went wide, "Absolutely not, and I'm offended that you would think that," she quickly replied. Then she resumed cooking, muttering annoyed, "Feyre and Tamlin have always done that because they have a different kind of relationship than we do, Luce is much nicer and calmer than Tam, just that." she said.

All three visibly relaxed, but only for a second and Nesta let go of a breath she didn't know she was holding.

Rhysand ran both hands over his face, "Ellie, this isn't normal."

She frowned, "Yes, it is," she countered, "you don't know what it's like to be in a relationship for so long, you said it yourself, and Feyre is happy. Just because you're jealous doesn't mean you have to meddle in their business."

Rhysand recoiled, as if physically struck, and Cassian clenched his jaw.

Nesta was so clouded with anger for Tamlin that she couldn't speak and wanted to understand how much Elain was involved in this unhealthy, sick dynamic that seemed to have existed for entire years.

"Elain," Cassian piped up, "I understand that this is a blow to you as well, that it's not easy to wrap your head around this, but Feyre may be in danger and before you say anything," he stopped her by raising a finger as she opened her mouth to retort, "it becomes our problem the second Tamlin's behavior crosses the boundaries of decency."

Nesta placed a hand on her arm, catching her attention, "Do you happen to remember if there have been any other similar events?"

The word _normal_ rumbled in her head.

She shook her head slightly, thinking, "For sure, I don't remember them exactly, but it wasn't the first time." she said, glaring at Cassian. She looked much more unsure as she realized where everyone was going with this, "I'm convinced he never really hit her though, or she would have told me."

No one responded to that last sentence, knowing full well that it wasn't true.

That when these things happen, you realize it when it's too late and the damage is too great or severe to be avoided.

Rhysand snapped to his feet, bringing his hands into his hair and squeezing his eyes shut, starting to pace back and forth.

Cassian seemed torn between comforting him and going to her. Nesta nodded to him with her chin to let him know she was relatively okay. He made to get up, but Rhysand began to speak and Nesta's blood froze in her veins.

"I had my doubts, reasons to think they weren't just fights, but then I saw them together, on the Saturday he celebrated his birthday and she was happy and I met her the next morning and she was perfectly fine and," he cursed, taking a deep breath and rubbing his palms over his eyes, "I shouldn't have yelled at her and demanded that she tell me what happened."

"It's not your fault," Cassian told him, standing up in turn, "and now the last thing Feyre needs is for us all to start blaming ourselves for not noticing sooner." he pointed out, watching as Elain had completely stopped cooking, as she was looking at the vegetables thinking of all the times Tamlin had done something wrong. "We need to act as soon as possible."

Elain snapped, "This isn't the army, you brute." she growled at him, "This is my sister we're talking about, not some stupid plan you have to draw up."

Nesta's eyes went wide.

Cassian only nodded once, looking into her eyes, "You're right, sorry." he shifted his gaze to Nesta, who gave him a weak smile.

"Cassian's right though, we need to act before Feyre gets into an even worse situation," Rhysand said, looking at them all with slightly glazed eyes.

"No," Elain said, "it's Feyre's life."

Nesta took a step back so she could look her sister in the face, "Ellie, I really don't give a shit if it's Feyre's life, because if we don't do something she might not have one anymore." she told her sensing her patience growing thinner and thinner, "By the way, you told me yourself that you think Tamlin is over the top sometimes and that you fight with Lucien a lot because he agrees with him, I don't understand why you're getting so upset now."

Elain closed her eyes, "Because Feyre wouldn't want us to interfere."

"But we can't let it stay that way!" yelled Rhysand.

Everyone's gaze snapped to him, who was breathing hard and had an anguished expression on his face. Nesta understood him, she felt what he felt, yet she wasn't reacting in any way to what they had just discovered.

She knew she should be talking to Feyre and she knew she should be feeling strong emotions towards Tamlin, towards the man who was threatening her little sister's happiness and sanity, but there didn't seem to be anything but that dormant anger in her head.

Elain roused her from her thoughts, "This isn't any different from what's going on between you two."

And there it was, that fire spark in the back of her head. Nesta bit the inside of his cheek, "This has nothing to do with us."

"Really?" asked Elain sarcastically, fixing her annoyed gaze on her, "Cause I saw you those first two days where you two didn't talk. Where you barricaded yourself in your room and I had to call Azriel to make you eat." Nesta saw out of the corner of her eye Cassian, who inspired violently, wincing as Elain turned to him, "And it was your fault."

Cassian didn't answer, he just looked at her, blinking, and Nesta could see the thoughts flooding his mind as he laid blame that she didn't attribute to him. Not fully. She turned to her sister, taking on a hard expression, "That's enough, Elain."

Elain chuckled, raising her hands to the sky, "So you get to mingle in Feyre's life, but when it's you we can't say anything."

Nesta inhaled through her nose, nodding, "Yes, cause I am working on that and Cassian and I talk." she walked over to her boyfriend, placing a hand on his shoulder and keeping her gaze fixed on her sister, "Knowing Feyre, you better than any of us, you should know that they aren't working things out like they should."

She shook her head, scoffing, "You don't know that."

Rhysand sat back, begging her with his eyes to hear them, "Elain,"

"It's none of our business," she interrupted him immediately, "You're right, Tamlin may not be the nicest or most pleasant person in the world, but he's always given Feyre everything. He's always helped her." she pointed out to them. That was what Cassian had told her the night she'd asked him to move in together, and Nesta couldn't understand how anyone could think that was a plausible justification for the blond's behavior. Elain resumed her cooking, her movements fidgety, "If they have problems, I'm sure they know how to work them out for themselves too."

Nesta saw something shine in Rhysand's eyes before he said in a weak, resigned voice, "Can you at least ask her if she's okay? If they're fighting too often?"

Elain didn't even look at him, turning around and pouring oil into a pan, "Again, if there was something wrong, I'm sure she'd come and tell me."

"Can you? Please." begged Rhysand, leaning across the table.

Elain looked at him at that point, gritting her teeth, "I'll do it," then swallowed, "on one condition." when the boy nodded, she continued, "If she tells me everything is fine and they can handle their problems on their own, you guys will cut the crap."

Nesta wanted to answer her, but shifting her gaze to Cassian she realized that he was no longer listening to a word that was being said, his lost gaze fixed out the window as surely every accusation Elain had thrown at him spilled over. She squeezed his shoulder, trying to get his attention, wanting to ask him if he was okay, but Rhysand spoke up, "Can you blame us, though?"

Elain laughed, looking at his face, "Why would I?"

"I don't understand why you're acting this way," Rhysand's features hardened, "When Feyre came home the other week, you seemed just as angry with Tamlin." he pointed out to her, moving his hands in the air, "Now, just because we're looking for a real solution, it's like it's bugging you."

Elain glanced at her, opening her mouth to respond, but closed it again shortly after. She turned to the stove, speaking in a weak voice, "Can we change the topic?" she asked without looking at anyone, "It's been a peaceful few days, I just want to enjoy the evening."

When no one answered, she turned to them and smiled wanly, as if the conversation had never happened, "Where's Az?"

Rhysand shook his head, excusing himself and going to the bathroom. Nesta knew full well that it was only because he needed to be alone to calm himself down. She looked at his sister sternly, but nodded thoughtlessly and took to setting the table.

Cassian's voice was strained as he spoke, "He's been replacing me at work. I promised him this is the last night for a month, he hates me now." he joked, trying to lighten the mood.

Elain bent her head to the side, "Ah, yeah, he told me." then resumed cooking, "He was so tired on Friday night. The guys at the bar didn't stop goofing around for a second and he had to stop a fight by himself because the only one available was Blair."

Nesta's eyes snapped to them, widening. Cassian chuckled, already looking calmer, "I'm aware of that. I've already talked and threatened everyone to fire them."

The conversation lightened up in a few minutes and by the time Rhysand rejoined the small group as well, things seemed to have calmed down completely.

Dinner went relatively well and Elain retired before midnight, apologizing that she was too tired and only the three of them remained.

"I think we should go too," Rhysand said with a yawn, turning to his brother, "I have class with the third years tomorrow and I'm already exhausted just thinking about it." then, casting a glance over his shoulder, he waved at her and said, "I'll wait for you in the car."

Nesta chuckled, getting up with them and heading for the door. Cassian had other ideas. He took her wrist gently, making her turn to face him as the other walked out of the kitchen, leaving them alone.

She smiled gently at him, placing one hand on his chest and the other on his cheek. His arms wrapped around her frail figure. "You're beautiful."

Nesta felt herself blush and lowered her gaze, "I'm in my pajamas and not wearing any makeup, Cass."

He shrugged, "Still." then turned a sad smile on her, leaning forward to kiss her. The second his lips brushed hers, Nesta felt her stomach twist, a welcome pressure in her lower belly. They pulled away too soon and she rested her forehead against his chest, sighing, "Why don't you stay the night?"

Cassian shifted on his feet, speaking in a rough voice, "Because we wouldn't sleep," he whispered, sliding his hands down to her bottom, "and you have class in the morning."

Nesta moaned slightly as he pulled her against him and cupped her ass with his massive hands. Cassian grinned, sounding just as desperate as she was, "I miss you too sweetheart."

She pulled away from him completely, closing her eyes. It took her a few seconds to regain her voice, "I'm not working tomorrow afternoon," Cassian nodded, knowing her schedule perfectly, "you could come over and we could talk." she offered hesitantly.

She had enjoyed having a quiet week and she had enjoyed pretending everything was okay when nothing really was, but that bubble had to be burst and if she didn't do it soon, she would be the one to explode.

Cassian seemed to realize what she was referring to, because his shoulders sagged and he clenched his jaw, taking a deep breath and nodding. He ran a hand through his hair, extending the other toward her. Nesta smiled tightly at him, but still wrapped her pinky around his outstretched one and let herself be pulled one more time to Cassian's massive body.

"What would you like to talk about?" he asked softly, bringing a hand to her face gently.

Nesta nuzzled against that touch, "I've been reading articles, on some blogs about people being with military or something, and we need to discuss some very important things regarding us and-" she froze, swallowing loudly. She closed her eyes, not withstanding his deep gaze, "We've never struggled to talk about marriage and I would have liked to wait a little longer, but I've been reading about how girlfriends are treated by the military and I'd like to talk about what it would all entail."

She felt Cassian's chest swell against her and when he spoke, his voice was very small compared to his normal tone, "I think that's fair, yes." his hand slid from her face, "Anything else?"

Nesta pulled away from him, turning towards the apartment door and frowned, "I'm sure there will be other things you need to tell me, you can start with the easier ones and if I have questions I'll ask them."

When she found herself in front of the door, pulling his jacket down from the coat rack, she realized that Cassian hadn't followed her, but remained standing in the middle of the kitchen. He was looking at her with such intensity that Nesta had to resist the urge to jump on him, undress him, and let him take her on that stupid table.

Any dirty thoughts though, were erased the second he spoke, "Elain's right, you know?"

She sighed shakily and brought her arms to her chest crossing them, "We'll talk about that too." she murmured looking him straight in the eye. She didn't allow herself to deny what he was implying because she knew that her feelings at that moment, her thoughts and her doubts, would only throw them back into the mud one more time and Nesta felt like she had some semblance of control over what their lives were now and she wasn't about to let a comment made to hurt screw things up.

She handed him the jacket and he blinked, taking a deep breath and walking towards her. She tiptoed up, brushing his lips with hers and then Cassian pulled away, kissing her forehead and saying goodnight before leaving the apartment and taking with him the promise that they would definitely fight tomorrow.

***

Cassian moaned in her ear, giving one last thrust with his hips and finishing inside her. Her walls clenched around him and Nesta let go a scream of ecstasy, dropping her arms from his back onto the mattress as waves of pleasure poured through her body and her every muscle twitched.

" _Nesta_." he whispered, locking his gaze in hers as they both came down from the high. He stroked her cheekbones and then went down more, running his thumb over her bottom lip as Nesta struggled for air. She closed her eyes when his lips finally closed on hers and moaned softly again when their tongues intertwined and she tasted herself on him.

With a tired grunt, Cassian pulled away from her and she moaned all-too-sensitive into the kiss before he sagged down on her body with his head tucked into her neck.

They were both breathing frantically, their bare, sweaty chests rubbing against each other, but Nesta wouldn't trade that feeling for anything in the world as Cassian wrapped his arms around her chest and rolled over onto his back, bringing her onto him and letting her rest her head on his chest, stroking her long, dark locks.

Nesta brought a hand to his side with her eyes closed, beginning to caress the skin there, making him shiver while mentally preparing herself for a fourth round. She giggled tiredly when one of his hands slid down to her lower back and gave a small squeeze to her butt cheek, but that laugh was short lived as Cassian moved slowly, making her catch her breath.

Raising his knees and letting her legs slide over his hips until she was straddling him, he lifted his pelvis slightly, brushing her heat with the tip of his cock and Nesta moaned, pressing her mouth against his bare pecs to keep from crying out too loud.

They were alone in the Archeron house, but there was nothing preventing the neighbors from hearing everything.

When Cassian did it again, Nesta looked over and saw the lust glowing in her boyfriend's pupils. She smiled at him with half-lidded eyes, letting him rub himself against her as much as he wanted, knowing full well that he needed it as much as she did.

He brushed his fingertip over one of her eyebrows and then drew the outline of her face slowly.

He didn't look at her directly, he seemed lost in thought as he drew that imaginary line on her skin, so lost that the movements of his pelvis had slowed and now they were almost still, the only audible sound being that of their breaths mingling together.

Nesta reached out a hand toward him, moving a strand of hair from his face and placing it on his cheek. Cassian froze, closing his eyes as he basked in that touch.

They were always quiet after sex.

They'd start with dirty jokes and lines to tease the other and end up so stunned they couldn't get a word in edgewise.

But this time Nesta saw through that haze of pleasure and love, saw worry and fear crawling under his skin.

"What," she whispered, trying to get him back there, with her on that bed, "are you getting too old to sustain another round?"

She still couldn't speak in a firm tone, but she had to try to keep that bubble solid for a little while longer. For one more kiss. For one more caress.

Cassian scoffed with his eyes still closed and shook his head slightly, "You know damn well I'd hold out for hours more, I'm just trying not to kill you from too many orgasms." His rough voice sent tremors down Nesta's body, all the way to the tips of his toes, "Or do you need a memo?"

His hand had slipped lower without her noticing, and when his fingers grazed her entrance lightly, like the touch of a feather, Nesta moaned loudly, opening her mouth wide and jerking forward.

That phantom touch was gone as fast as it had come and Cassian chuckled beneath her, finally opening his eyes and letting Nesta see the emotions swirling there.

He lowered his legs and let her slide to the side, turning on his side so he could face her.

"I'd missed this." he whispered to her, "Not just the sex - though I have to say that going two weeks without touching you was more than enough torture - but being in bed with you, watching each other. Talking shit. Teasing." he grinned.

Nesta smiled with heavy lidded eyes, "Sex is great." she agreed. Then she snuggled up against him, wiping out the idea of telling him it was his fault they hadn't been able to have fun all that time, deciding to murmur more, "And we've already been on the bed like this doing nothing for the past week."

Cassian took a shuddering breath, kissing one of her temples, "You practically passed out from the nervous breakdown I caused you, I wouldn't exactly call that romantic."

She nodded, chuckling. Then she lifted her head slightly, "I love you and I really want to discuss all that interesting stuff, but please, please let's wait a little longer."

Cassian sighed, kissing her on the lips, "As long as you want sweetheart."

It seemed to Nesta that he was too far away, too distant, even though their legs were entwined together and their arms wrapped around each other's bodies.

With her head resting on the pillow and Cassian's hand stroking her hair, it didn't take long for sleep to claim her and take her to a better world, where she and the man lying next to her had more than mere months before life put their love to the test.

"Sweet dreams, Nes."

***

When Nesta woke up, she was alone in bed and although she was still naked, the blankets that Cassian had surely put on her were more than enough to keep the heat around her. Outside the window the sky was already dark and she sincerely hoped she hadn't overslept, because she hadn't warned Elain and Feyre and they could be home any minute and she really needed to talk to Cassian.

Then she blew the air out of her nose, knowing full well that was bullshit.

Feyre would stay another day at Tamlin's and only return when her two older sisters weren't there to get a change of clothes and materials for her paintings. Elain would be no different, she too would surely spend the evening at Lucien's and see her the next day.

Stretching out on the mattress, she grunted and then stared at the ceiling, trying to wake up as much as possible before walking into the other room. She ran her hands over her face, cursing whoever decided how things were going in the universe for thinking she was strong enough to deal with so much shit at once.

Making a mental list of all the things she'd have to fix, she added "make sure Feyre's okay" at the end and then stood up, sighing and grabbing a robe to cover herself. She put a hand on the radiator under the window and smiled.

Cassian had turned the heat on for her.

She slipped on a pair of panties for both their sakes and a pair of socks so she wouldn't freeze to death and walked down the hallway to the kitchen.

When Cassian saw her enter, he grimaced, "I'm sorry, did I wake you up?"

Nesta shook her head, trying to smile at him, but was interrupted by a yawn. She walked until she was next to him and looked at what he was cooking. It was her turn to grimace when she saw the two inch high steak cooking on the griddle.

Cassian put an arm around her shoulders as she circled his hips and left a kiss on his bare shoulder. Clearly he hadn't bothered to cover himself when he'd gotten out of bed.

Glancing at the clock on the wall she realized she had slept for three full hours, she grunted again, slipping out from under his arm, "Why didn't you wake me up?"

"You've been tired all the time lately and you didn't even wake up when I dropped half the stuff while I was emptying the dishwasher," he cast an amused glance over his shoulder, "I didn't feel it was appropriate to take this well deserved nap away from you."

Nesta huffed, "The whole cow is for me too, or should I make something?"

Cassian mocked her, repeating what she had just said, "It's not for you, but I made you some couscous, it's in the fridge."

She thanked him under her breath and then set the table in silence.

He, too, didn't speak for the next ten minutes, and while to someone on the outside it might have seemed like a nice family picture, where love filled the silence without making those present feel awkward, Cassian and Nesta both knew they were preparing to face another hard, tiring conversation, one that carried with it the risk of weakening their relationship as much as the hope that it would make it stronger.

She found herself laughing as she served him some of her couscous as well, thinking that whatever was going to happen that night, they had at least had good, great sex for hours beforehand.

"You know how one of us has to start talking at some point?" said Cassian to her, keeping his gaze fixed on his plate as he ran a toothpick between his front teeth.

Nesta set her fork down next to her plate, whispering, "I don't want to fight anymore."

"We don't have to fight."

_Yes, we do._

The bubble burst.

She wanted to tell him, wanted to yell at him. To tell him that this was all his fault, that if he stopped believing that this was a good idea, then everything would be okay. Everything would be back to normal.

"I want to talk about how the army will see me," she said then, the word harsh on her tongue. Pulling up one knee, she rested both hands on top of it. They continued not to look at each other.

Cassian moved across the table, crossing his arms over his chest, "What do you know already?"

"I read that I'll be regarded as less than nothing," Nesta began, "That no matter how many years we've spent together and how good our intentions are, I'll have absolutely no acknowledgement from the army." she took a deep breath, puffing out the air. "That whatever we might promise them, it won't be enough to make them believe that I won't steal all your belongings while you're on a mission and then disappear with your money - their money." she finally corrected himself.

Nesta had done some research during that week of apparent peace, and the stories she'd found had left her speechless.

"I realize that they have to take precautions against these people, I really do," she whispered. The hundreds of military members who had come home to their loved ones to realize that they had taken everything away from them had stuck in her mind. Even the idea of doing such a wrong to Cassian took her breath away. "I'm not here to tell them how to do their jobs, but I want to know what it will mean for us."

She finally looked at him and saw him with a furrowed brow, "I don't understand."

"I'm saying," she shifted her position again, bringing her other foot to the chair as well, "that we would have waited at least another year before we got married." she sought his gaze, but he seemed aimed not to look at her. "I want to know if with this thing, this rule of just being a girlfriend for the military and not a wife will affect what I will be notified of," she continued, "I want to be on the notification list, in case something happens to you. And I don't wanna question if I'm gonna be notified because I'm not next to kin yet." she swallowed as she felt the words fail her. "And nothing's started yet, you haven't gotten in yet and we don't know if you're going to be successful, but it already hurts, Cassian, to be considered nothing."

She just wanted him to look at her.

He remained silent again and Nesta shook her head, taking three deep breaths, "This thing is already going to steal so much of our lives, so many choices already, I don't want our marriage to be one of those."

Cassian's eyes snapped to her, "And it won't be Nes, we'll wait if that's what you want."

"It still hurts, it stings," she repeated, "I don't want to put this on you, because I realize you have no power over this decision, but I thought we should talk about it."

Cassian nodded, his jaw tense and his brow furrowed, "You know you're still my stronghold, my anchor, no matter what." he pushed forward, leaning across the table.

She shook her head, feeling her throat close up, "I know." she whispered.

"And I don't want to invalidate your feelings or tell you how you should feel, but wouldn't you be more comfortable getting bad news from Azriel or my mother?" he asked her, looking for a silver lining in all that shit.

He was right, in a way. If something had happened to him, she would have preferred to hear about it through someone she could trust, not an army attaché calling one family after another to say that one of their loved ones had been injured - or worse.

Cassian continued, not waiting for her response, "And as much as those words may be worthless, you're already basically my wife." he smiled reassuringly at her, taking her hands and tightening his fingers around hers, "True, we're not married and we don't live together yet, but we've been together for seven years Nes, seven fucking years."

Nesta sighed groaning, pulling her hands from his and bringing them to her eyes. She bent her head back, letting go of a sound of frustration, "I asked you if we wanted to move in together," she pointed out to him, "only you had to bring up this shit and now we're on standby until we actually decide to go to a estate agency and see what we can afford. And your mom couldn't warn me because she doesn't know shit yet."

There was too much to talk about.

Cassian had the same thought as he got up from his chair and taking only two steps toward her, he knelt down next to her, "Nesta look at me."

She did.

He was smiling at her, "Why don't we take four nice deep breaths and then think about one thing at a time?" he told her, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mixed things up."

She wanted to point out to him that the whole thing was mixed, that even if he pretended it wasn't, it didn't change the truth, but she let it go.

She arched an eyebrow, "Why four?"

Cassian chuckled, not at all surprised that she had focused on that detail, "One for you, one for me, one for the couple, and one for good luck."

"That's bullshit." she grimaced.

"Just do it."

And then they breathed together once looking into each other's eyes, twice. Three. Four times.

And Nesta wanted to hate him, she really did, but she couldn't as a deadly calm washed over them.

"First things first," he whispered, holding her hands ever crouching in front of her, "marriage will have to wait a few more months, or a few more years, or a few more centuries. As long as you want. I'll always be here sweetheart, always." he squeezed her hands. Nesta nodded, "Second, this week we let the thing take shape in our heads and do a calculation of how much money we have, finances and all that crap. Next week we make an appointment with a real estate agent and set up with them to see everything over the next few months. We don't have to plan anything now because we don't have enough information, okay?" she nodded again.

"My mother, she's going to be a very tall and difficult bump to get over, which is why I'm going to need you by my side when I tell her," she was about to retort that she wasn't going to help him with anything at all, much less in convincing his mother that that was a good idea, but he interrupted her, "and I've already set up a lunch with her and Rhys and Az, so don't worry about it." he gave her a hopeful look and she tightened her lips into a thin line, huffing.

Cassian smiled, "And we don't care how much the army belittles you, you'll always be my person." he pulled himself up to his feet, pulling her to him and making her stand up in turn. He wrapped his arms around her hips and she slid her hands over his chest, distracting herself for a moment as she smelled his skin. "You will always be the most important person to me," he placed his lips on her forehead, continuing to speak, "whether they call my mother, or one of my brothers, you will always be the first person I return to. The first one I will hug and kiss after every mission."

The tone of his voice had grown rougher, lower.

"You will be the person who will help me overcome every obstacle, as you always have and as I will always do for you as well." he took her face in his hands and tilted it up, looking directly into her eyes. His were darker than usual. "I'm not leaving you, Nesta." then he kissed her, "Not now, not ever."

_You will, eventually._

They both closed their eyes, rocking in her kitchen as those empty promises flew around them like guns ready to fire, until Cassian had to leave for work and Nesta was left alone in that empty, loud apartment.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the fact that it’s not even 9pm here and I managed to finish this it’s awesome, but also not, cause it means I haven’t written as much as I’d have liked. This chapter literally is a third of what I had originally planned for part 7, so yeah. 
> 
> I was so focused on writing that I didn’t notice I was scraching my arm and when I had to copy it and I saw I had blood under my nails, I realised I cut myself, so if you ever wonder if I suffer while writing this stuff, just know that I bleed while writing.

"You sure you want to tell her today?" asked Rhysand running a hand through his hair, "I mean, we could enjoy a nice lunch in peace."

Azriel yawned next to him, leaning forward between the two seats to see how much longer they had to go, "Please, I haven't seen mum in almost a month."

"It's not my fault," Cassian replied confused, "You have a car and you're old enough to make the trip for yourself."

Nesta's head snapped in his direction, annoyed at the surly attitude her boyfriend had taken on in the last few hours. "How about you stop picking on other people just because you're stressed about something you want to do?" she scoffed at him.

"Preach." murmured Rhysand behind her.

Cassian shook his head, telling them all to fuck off under his breath, but remaining silent the rest of the way as Nesta tried not to demand that he apologize to everyone for telling them off. Azriel and Rhys talked about their latest misfortunes about their respective jobs and Nesta tried with all her might to stay focused on the conversation, not wanting to interact with her boyfriend at all.

She and Cassian had been arguing all morning.

In fact, Cassian had been arguing with everyone for the last three days, every hour, every minute, every second.

They'd had their downtime, their happy couple nights and their mind-blowing sex to get back to exactly where they'd started.

During the first fight, Cassian had even had the nerve to blame her for bringing it all back and she had snapped. It had turned into something all too serious when they had both stopped their shouting and pacing and Nesta had only noticed at that point that he was crying - whether it was from anger or tiredness, she hadn't asked - and without making a fuss, had told him to leave.

The next day he'd gone back to their flat and Elain had threatened him with calling in reinforcements if he didn't stop all this immense bullshit and they'd argued as well until her sister had been forced to leave for work, leaving them alone again. And the screaming had started over, fierce and aimed at hitting the most sensitive spots in each other's hearts.

When the three brothers had picked her up that morning to go to Vera's, Nesta had been tense, had left a very dry kiss on Cassian's lips and then had been shocked to discover that her boyfriend had not informed the other two of the true reason for the visit they were paying to their mother. Azriel had asked them if they could go back because he had no intention of playing like a pawn in that sick game of his, but they had been over an hour's journey from Velaris by then and they certainly couldn't go back.

As they entered the street Vera lived in, Nesta took a deep breath, "Can I ask you to at least wait until lunch is over before we start talking about the army?" she asked without even looking at him.

"I repeat," Azriel cleared his throat, before Cassian could answer. Nesta looked at him through the rearview mirror and saw that he had as much of a frown as she did as she surveyed the townhouses, "In my opinion, you really shouldn't be doing this."

"And so you think I should just not tell her? Do you really think that's a good idea?" asked Cassian again with that cranky tone.

Nesta bit the inside of her cheek to keep herself from snapping at him.

"If I may," Rhysand interjected, "I don't think you should even think about joining the army."

Cassian clasped his hands around the steering wheel, straightening his back, "I got that."

"You did?" Azriel turned to him with a sarcastic, forced smile on his lips, "Because you don't seem to have grasped the concept clearly enough-"

Cassian slammed on the brakes in front of their mother's house and the wheels of the car screeched on the asphalt. The gesture was so sudden that Nesta was flung forward and the belt gave her chest a sharp tug to keep her from slamming her head against the windshield.

She turned to her boyfriend with wide eyes, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" she asked him almost screaming, but he didn't even look at her and unbuckled his belt in an instant, before turning to his brothers and fixing his eyes on Azriel.

"May I know why you're suddenly so interested in me joining the army now? You didn't seem that pushy before Nesta found out," Cassian snapped, seeming about to reach out a hand and wrap it around his brother's neck.

Nesta was still looking at Cassian, stunned by that sudden burst of anger and she wished she could touch his arm, make him turn to her, calm him down in any way, because whoever was sitting next to her wasn't the man she loved.

"Cass-" she tried to speak.

It seemed to be the spark of his fire, "Why, in all the months she didn't know, did you never really come forward?" he shouted.

Nesta flinched, meeting Rhysand's gaze on the opposite side of the car. The youngest of them all looked as pissed off as Cassian did at that moment, but the way his eyes flicked from one brother to the other hinted that he was worried about what might happen.

When Azriel spoke, Nesta shuddered, "Because I was hoping she would be enough to make you stay," he said in an icy voice, "Since your family isn't."

"Enough." she heard herself say, "That's enough."

Her boyfriend must have sensed something in her voice, because he turned to her and his expression totally changed, "Nes-"

She raised a hand, "Stop it." she murmured looking into his eyes, "We came with you today because you asked us to, but none of us wanted to be here, not under these circumstances." she continued, flexing her hands, "We're here for you. To help you tell your mother that you're about to embark on a suicide mission that none of us seem to have a say in."

Cassian sat back down with his face to the road and closed his eyes. Nesta heard Azriel get out of the car and Rhysand sigh heavily, but she didn't move her eyes from her boyfriend.

"The least you could have done these last few hours was to let us blow off the anxiety and worry you asked us to keep to a minimum during this lunch, that's going to be excruciating as it is." she took a deep breath, then forced herself to reach out a hand towards him and place it on his arm. Because despite everything, Nesta would be there for him, "Azriel has every right to ask you not to ruin the one time you see your mother in a month and you shouldn't have yelled at him like that."

Rhysand's voice came out much weaker than usual, "We're just worried."

And then he too got out of the car, leaving them alone.

Cassian and Nesta remained silent, she never taking her eyes off his face and he too shocked to look at her.

"I don't know what to do," he confessed at one point.

Her grip on his arm tightened, "Then don't do anything."

When he finally turned to face her, Nesta couldn't read any of the emotion in his eyes. It was like looking into a stranger's face.

He shook his head, bowing his chin in defeat, "I can't."

***

Vera Almeda was one of the most beautiful women Nesta had ever met.

When Azriel had brought her to their place for the first time when she was sixteen, she had been appalled.

She had always found women with short hair to be more attractive, but her friends' mother had exceeded all expectations. She couldn't quite pinpoint what trait it was that made her so stunning and made her look so young even at fifty years of age, but certainly the way her dark eyes stared at you as if they were reading your soul played their part. 

Now, as all four of them walked tensely towards the wide-open door where she stood, they pretended that everything was fine and that they hadn't just yelled at each other.

> _ The one thing Nesta knew for sure would never be feigned, was the smile of complete adoration and love on Azriel’s lips, “Hi mum.” she heard him say, as he walked up the steps to the porch and wrapped his arms around his mother. _

> _ The even wider smile that broke across Vera’s face made Nesta’s heart tighten, “ _ _Olá, meu menino_ _._ _ ”  _

> _ Rhysand grinned, opening his arms and peering at the woman from over Azriel’s shoulder, “I don’t get any hugs?”  _

> _ Vera chuckled and that sound reminded her so much of the three brothers that it startled her, “Come here,  _ _amor meu_ . _ ” the youngest didn’t let her say it twice and joined the hug, clutching them so tightly that Azriel grunted, “Ah, how I’ve missed you, where’s my sweet boy?” _

> _ Nesta smiled from ear to ear, looking over to Cassian who had one hand in hers and was walking slowly as never before, up the walkway of Vera’s house. Her smile faltered when she saw how much distress her boyfriend was in, but giving his hand a gentle squeeze, she slipped hers from his grasp and gave him a small nudge of encouragement.  _

> _ His eyes met hers for a moment, but then with two strides he too was on the porch and was holding Vera in his arms. Azriel and Rhysand stood aside with tense bodies, but a bright smile on their faces. _

> _ As she watched them, Nesta couldn't help but think of her mother, how happy she would have been to meet this strong, independent woman who loved her daughters as if they were her own.  _

> _ She was glad to see that some of the tension in Cassian's shoulders seemed to disappear and when it was her turn to greet Vera, she felt as if she couldn't speak for fear of saying the wrong thing. _

> _ The woman gave her a smile that was twin to all the ones Rhysand turned on her every time he had to say some nonsense, but her eyes twinkled with emotion as she reached out her hands to her face and cupped her cheeks, "God you get more beautiful every time I see you."  _

> _ Nesta knew she wasn't ugly and she also knew she wasn't short, but every time she visited Vera in the mountains, well, she felt short and not even close to the sheer beauty the woman shone with.  _

> _ "Hi Vera," she murmured, finally hugging her in turn, "how are you?" _

> _ The woman pulled away too soon according to her liking, it wasn't every day she was hugged by a mother, but Cassian's arm quickly found its place around her shoulders and when she looked up at him, he was smiling at her. Nesta knew that he needed that contact more than she did, but she couldn't help thinking that she was grateful to have him close by and that he could tell her moods without even needing to utter a word. _

> _ Vera shrugged, "I carry on, I've made some new friends at the tennis club, but it's always pretty lonely up here." _

> _ Azriel looked worried, "Mum, I've already told you several times you can always move back to the city if it gets too isolated up here-" _

> _ She stopped him by putting a hand on his arm, smiling broadly, "I'll never set foot in a city again in my life darling, once you live in the mountains, you don't go back." then she clapped her hands together, shifting her gaze to everyone there, "Let's head inside then, otherwise lunch will get cold." _

> _ Rhysand made an excited noise, "I can't wait for the codfish," then gave Vera a kiss on the forehead, walking into the house, "How I've missed you." _

> _ She scoffed, "You've missed food that isn't pre-cooked or warmed up in the microwave," she joked, then stepped aside, letting the others in as well, "And I'm sorry, but it didn't turn out as good as usual. The fishmonger was closed and I had to use the frozen one," Vera cringed and Nesta chuckled, taking off her jacket. _

> _ "Don't worry mum, I'm sure it will all taste great anyway," Azriel reassured her. _

> _ "Of course it will all be great, I cooked it, I was just saying it won't be as good as it always is," she looked at him with an arched eyebrow, "Now go wash your hands and then to the table, I bought some cheeses too." _

> _ Nesta smiled at her, following Azriel down the corridor. _

> _ The walls were covered in pictures, drawings, paintings, some of which Nesta recognised as pieces Feyre had done. Vera had always been so kind to them, had always treated them like daughters. _

> _ When their father had died, she had been the first to give them money for funeral expenses and to bring them meals they couldn't always afford. Cassian and Azriel had done so much for them, but they owed everything to the woman who had raised them. _

> _ The year the girls had lost everything, Vera was still living in Velaris with her children and her husband, Rhysand's biological father. The whole family had tried very hard to keep them out of the State's foster care system, all very aware of what bad things happened to children and young people who for one reason or another no longer had parents. _

> _ Cassian had been with Rhysand's family for years before Marquise Almeda decided to adopt him for good. His mother had died when he was only five and his father had never truly been a part of his life, but from what little he remembered, Cassian had told Nesta that his mother had been a loving and flawless person. Everything he had ever needed. _

> _ Azriel, on the other hand, had arrived when he'd turned ten, three years after Cassian's adoption. It had been difficult at first, but they had handled little Az's nightmares as best as they could and it had taken a long time for him to feel part of the family himself, but they had done it.  _

> _ Vera had never gone into detail, but Nesta knew that they had turned to adoption agencies because they had lost a prematurely born daughter who had seen the light for only a few days. After years of artificial insemination and aborted pregnancies, both she and Marquise had been unable to continue with those methods, too mentally exhausted, and Rhysand was already old enough to realise that things weren't going well, so much so that he'd stopped asking for a little brother or sister, but Vera felt that something was missing, and if the two boys standing next to her at the moment meant anything, Marquise hadn't been fully satisfied with their situation either. _

> _ By the time they'd reached eighteen, only Azriel had changed his family name, and Nesta was pretty sure her friend had never even mentioned his biological parents' names. She was also sure that if she asked Elain, she would know. Cassian, however, had kept his mother's last name and from what she knew, no one in that house had ever held it against him. Nesta knew they had been lucky to find Vera and she would never cease to be grateful to Rhysand's parents for taking them in and looking after them. _

> _ Azriel opened the bathroom door, leaving it open so she too could go in and wash her hands, but Nesta had stopped halfway down the hall to look at a picture of three little kids, all with crazy dark hair, laughing as they shot themselves with water guns on a sunny day. _

> _ She shifted her gaze to the doorway and the smile faded from her lips.  _

> _ Vera kept her hands on Cassian's arms and looked up into his face, "What's wrong?" she was asking him in a low voice, "I can see that you're upset." _

> _ As if he could sense her attention, he looked up at Nesta. She gave him a sad smile, raising an eyebrow to ask if he wanted her to go to him, if he wanted to tell her now, but he shook his head, sighing rather loudly, "I'm fine, mum, don't worry," he replied, smiling sweetly at the woman. _

> _ Vera didn't seem the least bit convinced and continued as if he hadn't even spoken, "Is this about Nesta? Is that why you came, she's sick?" she asked, lowering her voice even more. _

> _ He shook his head, biting his lip, "No, Nes is fine."  _

> _ She felt guilty eavesdropping on that conversation, so she turned to go to the bathroom, but stopped in her tracks when she heard Vera say, "So what is it, are you two getting married? Is she pregnant?" _

> _ At those words, Nesta's heart lost a few beats.  _

> _ She didn't stand there and listen as Cassian answered her, but hurried into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.  _

> _ Azriel, who was drying his hands, looked at her with a furrowed brow, "Everything okay, Nes?" _

> _ She shook her head, releasing a breath, "I think I'm dying, how can we lie to your mother for an entire lunch?"  _

> _ His features grew tense and he looked away, "I have no idea, but I suppose we have to anyway."  _

> _ Nesta nodded, biting the inside of her cheek, "I suppose so." she whispered moving to let him out.  _

> _ Azriel gave her a brief encouraging smile as he walked past her, but before he left her alone for good he grabbed her wrist, stopping her, "For what it's worth, I really thought you'd be able to make him see how much he risks losing with this insane idea of his," he began, "And I don't blame you. If he doesn't realise how important you are to him, he's the fool, not us." _

> _ Nesta just nodded. _

> _ *** _

> _ They'd eaten so much that Nesta was starting to feel the post-meal fatigue taking hold inside her, but she knew she couldn't just go lie on the couch or settle into the armchair like she always did. No, Cassian needed her to stay by his side at that moment and if she couldn't support him with words, she would at least support him by letting him hold her hand as if his life depended on it. _

> _ Vera put a hand on her arm, drawing his attention, " _ _Gostaste_ _?" _

> _ Nesta didn't know Portuguese, but over the years she had learnt to recognise some of the words and sounds and although she couldn't answer in the same language, it pleased her every time Vera turned to her and spoke in her native tongue. She replied in English, "Yes, very much. You have outdone yourself this time." _

> _ " _ _Estão todos saciado_ _?" she then asked, addressing the others as well. This Nesta did not understand, but noticed once more how her accent was marked when she was most tired. _

> _ Rhysand brought a hand to his mouth, suppressing a burp, "I'd say so." _

> _ Azriel flashed her thumbs up, but said nothing. Nesta chuckled. They were all so full. _

> _ " _ _Bom_ _ ," the woman said at that point, getting serious and leaning with her arms crossed on the table, "because you've been acting weird the whole time and there's something you need to tell me."  _

> _ Everyone snapped to attention, but no one even tried to breathe in her direction. _

> _ "You don't want to tell me now, I see," she clicked her tongue, turning to Nesta, and without missing a beat, asked, "How are your sisters?"  _

> _ Cassian visibly relaxed beside her, and his mother didn't fail to notice, of course. Now that she was paying attention, they all looked like four kids who'd been caught with their hands in the biscuit jar. _

> _ She recovered, nodding and sighing, "Fine." she said quickly, then frowned, "I guess." _

Vera turned to Rhysand, "Sweet Feyre, is she still with that stupid piece of shit?"

No one reacted to those strong words, Vera had always been very vocal about her opinion of Feyre's long gone boyfriend, but Rhysand grunted, running his hand over his face, "Why are you asking me?"

Azriel snorted beside him, "Why do you think she asked you?" then looked at him, with the usual grin he always had when his mother was around. He was always happier when Vera was around, "You've been drooling over her for years."

The younger brother was about to reply, but the woman beat him to it, "And you my child, how is Elain?"

Cassian burst out laughing, putting an arm around Nesta's chair, who leaned closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder. Azriel had gone completely red.

" _Babaca, você mereceu essa._ " muttered Rhysand, giving him a shove.

"Actually," Nesta began, looking Vera in the eye, "a few days ago Elain told us some rather worrying things. About Tamlin."

The woman sat up straighter and any trace of amusement that had appeared from teasing her children vanished, "Is Feyre safe?"

Nesta felt herself sinking inside. If that had been the first thought of someone who didn't hang out with Feyre that often, too, it meant something was really going on.

"We don't know," Rhysand replied, cracking his fingers, "Elain just told us that they had a fight while they were together and that she and Lucien left, but I haven't seen Feyre in a couple of weeks honestly and the most worrying thing is that El didn't seem the least bit touched by Tamlin's behaviour." as he spoke, Nesta had turned to look at Azriel.

He hadn't been with them when Elain had updated them on the Feyre front and she was certain that if he had been there, he would have grabbed her by the shoulders and shaken her. Now though, he just looked confused and distressed as he listened to his brother.

"God, poor little ones," Vera brought a hand to her chest, "I feel so sorry for them. If there's anything I can do to help you, help them, tell me. You could come here one weekend when the snow comes, I'd love to have you all. Mor too, I haven't seen the girl in a long time."

Nesta was already loving the idea and was ready to accept, thank her for the offer, but Rhysand had chuckled sarcastically and blocked her every word.

"Them?" he asked incredulously, "Mum, Elain tried to persuade us from trying to dig deeper. She practically ordered us not to ask or tell Feyre anything. It's almost as if she doesn't care. Almost as if she doesn't realise how sick that relationship is."

Nesta nodded slowly, almost imperceptibly. She'd been thinking exactly the same things when they had talked to her sister.

Azriel stiffened at the tone of voice he was using, and Nesta knew that whatever happened next would only lead to more discrepancies between the brothers.

Thankfully, Vera was the first to intervene, "Rhys, darling, you need to understand something," her mother murmured, extending a hand towards him, "Elain is just as stuck in this mess as Feyre," then she turned to Azriel for a moment, "Her boyfriend, Lucien, is Tamlin's best friend, or am I wrong?"

"Yes." he murmured, tensing his jaw.

Vera's eyes returned to Rhysand soon after, "So you do understand that they are in exactly the same situation. Tamlin and Lucien were Elain's first friends here in Velaris," no one corrected her on the fact that they were more than two hours from the city, she spoke out of habit, "However Tamlin deals with Feyre, he will also deal with El and Lucien. If Feyre doesn't realise the seriousness of his actions, then Elain isn't in an advantaged position to help her either."

Nesta gaped slightly and even Rhysand looked more shocked than anything else. Vera was right and now Azriel was as tight as a fiddle string too.

She groaned, bringing her hands to her face, "God this is all my fault." said Nesta, she shifted her gaze to Cassian, "They've been together for years, I didn't think it was like this- If I had asked sooner maybe-"

"Nesta, stop," Vera interrupted her, "None of this is your fault. Or your sisters'." she stopped talking for a moment, letting everyone soak up the words, "The only one to blame here is Tamlin, from the little you've told me, he's a horrible person and this is just more proof that he is. You couldn't have done anything either way. These..." she looked for the right term, biting her lip, "Situations can be easily hidden and glossed over, often because people tend to think it's normal. But it's not." she shook her head, squeezing her hand, "The only thing you can do now is go home and talk to them. To Feyre."

Nesta felt a knot grow in her throat, "If I hadn't been so distracted I would have been able to-"

This time it was Azriel who cut her off, the hard, tension-filled tone of someone who needed to have their say, to speak up, "You've had your own problems to think about, no one thinks it's your fault Nesta."

And although the boy was addressing her, his eyes were on Cassian, who had been silent for most of their lunch.

"Az." murmured Rhysand as a warning, casting a glance at Nesta.

She only hoped her oldest friend wasn't turning on Cass at that moment.

"Kids?" asked Vera, having picked up on the fact that something was going on that she wasn't aware of.

Then she spoke in Portuguese and Nesta cursed herself for not continuing her online classes.

The woman's voice was completely different from when she spoke in English to when she switched to Portuguese, sexier in Nesta's opinion. She bowed her head down, looking at her hands and frowning. Those weren't things one should think about while your boyfriend was trying to confess something to his mother.

" _O que se está a passar, meninos?_ "

Cassian took a deep breath and removed his arm from Nesta's chair, placing his hand on her leg. Her hand immediately found his. " _Mamã, por favor não te zangues-_ "

Mum, please don't be angry, that Nesta understood. And she had to restrain herself from raising her eyebrows because it was a stupid thing to say in such a moment. She also had to restrain herself from crossing her legs.

She was aware Cassian knew Portuguese, but only rarely had she heard the brothers hold whole conversations in the language and Rhysand was the only one who was willing to speak it when asked. Both of the older ones felt embarrassed whenever Elain asked them anything.

Vera smiled sarcastically at him, " _Mas eu não ficarei zangada se me contares._ "

And then seconds of silence passed, heavy, eternal, and Nesta thought he would never speak, but he did.

" _Vou juntar-me ao exército._ "

The woman sitting at the head of the table burst out laughing. And Nesta wanted to burst into tears.

She had had exactly the same reaction.

" _Não, não vais._ " Vera shook her head, continuing to laugh. When no one said anything, she stopped suddenly, slamming her hands on the table, making everyone wince, " _Vais o tanas!_ "

Cassian closed his eyes, "Let me-"

"I won't let you explain anything at all!" she shouted, standing up, "You won't do anything!" she turned to Azriel and Rhysand, raising her voice even higher, " _VOCÊS OS DOIS ESTÃO EM GRANDES SARILHOS! TU ÉS O IRMÃO MAIS VELHO DELE!_ "

Rhys closed his eyes, bringing a hand to his face, "Mom, please-"

Vera snapped in his direction, " _E TU, NESTA! COMO PODES ACEITAR ISTO?_ "

"She had nothing to do with it," Azriel said, with a hard expression on his face, "It was all Cassian, leave us out of this mess," he continued before his mother could attack them again.

Nesta tried not to flinch at those words. This was exactly what Cassian had asked them not to do. Not to openly antagonize him when he broke the news.

Vera was taking short, quick breaths, then raised her arms and clenched her fists, closing her eyes, "What are we talking about?" she muttered in a lethal tone, "Why the fuck would you-" she choked on the words, leaning one hand against the table. She looked at Cassian, who now looked like a child under his mother's inquisitive gaze. She shook her head, "You know what, I don't even want to hear your excuses."

Her boyfriend looked at Vera and Nesta felt sad for him, for just a moment, she felt pity for Cassian and felt sick at the thought of him fighting this alone. He had come here knowing full well that no one would help him, that Azriel would do the exact opposite of helping him.

She glanced at him and saw the second he decided he had to change his strategy and all the sympathy Nesta had felt up to that moment went out like a fire on which a bucket of freezing water is thrown.

"It's not an excuse and I don't have to explain myself to you. I was just giving you a warning." he said, taking his hand off Nesta's and picking up the glass of water, taking a sip.

Vera's eyes went wide, "Have you gone mad? Have you lost your mind?" she shouted, "Why would you join the army?!" she demanded to know. Nesta wanted to tell her that she didn't want to hear that story, that it wasn't worth it. "Look at me when I'm talking to you!" cried Vera finally.

Cassian set his glass down on the table and turned to her, without answering.

Cassian set his glass down on the table and turned to her, without replying.

Rhysand drew in a sharp breath, "Mum we've tried everything. He's made his decision, the only thing we can do now is stand by him."

Both Nesta and Azriel looked at him with sad, understanding eyes. It was pointless.

Vera let out a laugh, "Are you kidding?"

She went around the table until she found herself next to Cassian and turned him to face her. Eye to eye, she said, "Talk to me."

And maybe he'd misinterpreted her words. Maybe not, but he tried to speak.

"I'll be part of the cargo specialists-"

"You won't be part of anything."

"I'm going to enlist after January-"

"Stop it!"

Cassian looked her in the eye, "No."

Vera slammed her hands on the table again, raising her voice one more time, "I raised you. I'm your mother and I won't let you do it. If your father was still here-"

He stood up sharply, "My mother died when I was five. And Marquise wasn't my father, just like you're not my mother. You have absolutely no right to tell me what I can and cannot do. It's my decision and I'm doing you a favour by telling you before I do."

A disarming silence swept through the room.

Vera blinked, her mouth slightly parted as her fingers slid down the tablecloth. Nesta had stood up in turn and was about to tell him to apologise, to admit that none of what he had just said was true.

She couldn't speak, couldn't move her gaze from his face, but Cassian's eyes were on his mother and glistening with tears.

"Alright," Vera murmured in a voice so uncharacteristically weak, trembling. She took a step back, bumping her side into the couch.

"Mom." said Rhysand leaning towards her. She seemed to wince at the word.

She tightened her lips to a thin line, then nodded once towards Cassian, "I hope you find what you're looking for."

Then she turned and without even a glance at her other sons or Nesta, she walked up the stairs in silence.

Silence that stretched until they heard the door to her room close.

The voice that came from Nesta's chest had never been so threatening as she took a few steps back, putting as much distance between her and that person who looked like Cassian but she no longer knew, "Now you go upstairs and apologize to your _mother_ -"

Azriel wasn't even looking at them when he spoke, interrupting her, "Get out of our house."

Nesta's head snapped in his direction.

Cassian clenched his jaw, running a hand through his hair, "We knew this was going to happen, there's no need-"

"Get out. Of our house." the older said through his teeth, standing up in all his height. A dreadful feeling grew in Nesta's gut. If Cassian reacted badly and they got physical, Nesta wasn't sure she'd be able to stop them. She just prayed it wouldn't come to that. When Azriel spoke again, his voice had never been more strained, "And don't try to come here or call our mother until you're ready to crawl on your knees and apologize."

Rhysand sat still, his head in his hands and his elbows resting on the table.

Cassian lifted his chin, keeping his gaze on Azriel.

She could see it, the pain in both their faces, the regret - for not trying harder and convincing your brother not to do something so reckless, for telling the woman who had raised you and loved you all your life that she was not your mother.

"Azriel, please, we're all going to sit down now..." the words died in her throat as Rhysand looked up at her and his eyes were glossy, his face red.

He pointed to the front door, with a wave of his hand that might have looked uncaring, but encompassed all the weariness of those mere minutes they'd been shouting.

No, Nesta corrected herself, the weariness built up over the months he had been forced to lie on his brother's behalf to everyone he loved.

"I think you should leave," and as he spoke he looked at Nesta, "We'll find a way to get back to Velaris on our own."

To let her know that she had nothing to do with this, but that if they chased Cassian off by himself and he got in the car, they didn't know what might happen.

She remained silent, weighing up the options, as Azriel turned around and walked out of the living room, up the stairs. Cassian closed his eyes sighing and then left the house, slamming the door behind him.

Nesta's head was in a complete state of chaos.

Rhys stood up in turn, still looking at her, "Whatever's going on, he needs you." he murmured, starting to collect the plates, the cutlery. Then he seemed to realise that no one would care and left everything there, closing his eyes. "He'll always need you."

And he left too.

It took Nesta a while to comprehend what the fuck had just happened and when she found herself outside the front door, jacket on, bag over her shoulder and Cassian's jacket in her hand, she wondered how long it had taken her to collect their things, because it seemed like ages ago.

She said nothing when she got in the car and said nothing when he drove off without even looking at her.

She said nothing when the first sob broke Cassian's breath and when he pulled over onto the road once his vision blurred.

She didn't say anything when he started crying so hard that Nesta's body reacted immediately and broke down some more for him, for the man she loved who was tearing down everything good in their lives.

She got out of the car, opening his door and waiting for him to get out and then let him hold her as with all his weight he leaned into her. She let him use her as an anchor, as his rock as he cried his mother's and brothers' names and begged for forgiveness.

They were all losing themselves, but they had failed to notice that Cassian had lost himself long ago.

**Author's Note:**

> If you want, I post this also on Tumblr (@julemmaes). I usually post there first and then come here right after to update but there might be times where I completely forget, so if you wanna be added to my tag list just send me an ask or dm me and I'll do that immediately  
> Hope you enjoyed this first part and leave a comment to let me know what you think:)


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